Northwest Babe

Long Time No Chat

2008-09-07T00:46:00.000-07:00

It's been a long, strange, wonderful trip these last two years since Australia. That trip on its own was a dream come true - truly an incredible journey - and it marked the beginning of the journey I am now on in graduate school. I never would have guessed it then, but my life was about to take a very dramatic turn in a direction that still blows me away. I was literally on the precipice of making the hugest leap of my life thus far and now I am flying through the realm of the sacred in a way I never imagined I would. What grace.

It's late, I'm tired, more to come later...

Made it to OZ!!

2006-09-24T23:19:00.000-07:00

Holy Mary, mother of you-know-who, I'm in Australia. The flight wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. Granted I was in Business Class which makes all the difference. I heard they had trouble in Coach with the kitchen and getting everyone's food served. Total nightmare apparently.

Got about 5 or 6 hours of sleep which was good enough to allow me to be functional when the plane landed. The first glimpse I got of the Sydney Opera House will be in my memory forever. It was very cool to see it live and in person, right there, just like it is. I can't wait to see it up close.

I'm on my way to Ayers Rock tomorrow morning but will be back in Sydney in a few days. I'll definitely hit the opera house then and do the whole tour thing. It's supposed to be very cool inside. I was going to try and see something but nothing is really happening on the days I'll be in town. Bummer, that.

So, I'm payin' for this time so I'm about done. I'll blog more from Down Under over the next few weeks. I am in Australia! Damn!

And So it Begins….

2006-09-23T17:35:00.000-07:00

My journey to Australia is finally here. I almost can’t believe it. I’ve been planning it in my head for nearly 20 years. And the wonderful thing about the internet is that I was able to plan all of it myself online. I think that’s really damn cool – be your own travel agent, no fee involved.

I will be seeing the Outback and I will be seeing the beach. I will be staying on a secluded island in a private bungalow with a front door on the sand. I will be taking one of the most beautiful ferry rides in the world between the North and South islands of New Zealand. I will be spending a fair bit of time on trains – a wonderful way to see any country.

It’s just amazing. My flight leaves in 5 ½ hours. I’m going to Australia. I’M GOING TO AUSTRALIA!! How cool is that…..

It Won't Be Long Now.....

2006-09-17T23:01:00.000-07:00

So here we are, 5 days and counting until I leave for Australia. I’ve got nearly everything on my shopping list that I needed. I still need to get another memory card for my camera but that’s easy. Honestly, I could probably buy any of the stuff on my list down there if it really came down to it. It’s Australia, they have stores.

It’s odd, I really can’t wait to go but I feel like I have so much to accomplish at work and here at home that I don’t want to get too excited until I’ve gotten on the plane and I can really start to unwind. That’s probably age and practicality talking but until I’m at the airport, getting on my plane I’m not truly on my way.

So, I went to buy some bug repellant because a couple of the places I’m going said it would be a good idea to have some on their FAQ page. Wanting to go sans chemicals if possible I’ve chosen a brand from my local health food store. I’m quite sure it will repel bugs......and probably anything and anyone else for that matter. The aroma is fairly strong. I’m thinking of buying some good old deet-filled lotion as well just in case I can’t stand the smell of this stuff. I guess the main ingredient is citronella and wow, it’s pretty powerful. My cat took one whiff of it, scrunched up his face, pulled his head away from my hand and walked away. Hey, it works on cats! I sure hope it works on black flies in The Outback.

The concept of leaving my home for 3 weeks and being in another country is so exciting. My biggest fear is that the time will go by so quickly that I’ll turn around and it will be over. Thankfully, my second week will be spent on a quiet, private island resort that serves only 10 visitors at a time. No phones, no computers, no interruptions. I feel like this will be when I really unplug and start to truly relax. By the time I head to New Zealand I’ll probably be totally chilled out and in vacation-mode.

They say it takes at least 2 weeks for someone to really mentally disconnect from work. I know when I went to Greece I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t think about work at all from the moment I left. I actually did really well, I didn’t think about work at all other than the realization that I needed to quit my job and leave the company I was working for. It hit me like Mack truck too. I almost called right then and told them I wasn’t coming home. It was Greece, I was swept away. But seriously, I did end up leaving and I’m much happier for it.

Being outside of your home, outside of your country, on another continent, so completely removed from anything you know or are comfortable with can bring amazing clarity if you’re open to it. You see things very differently. You have realizations that surprise you. You experience another culture and meet wonderful people who trigger things you didn’t even know were inside of you. It’s quite spectacular really. That’s why I always take a brand new journal on vacation. I might fill it up, I might not but that journal becomes a time-capsule of my trip, the state my mind was in, the insights and experiences I had, everything about it. It’s a very worthwhile practice, I highly recommend it.

It’s late now and I must work tomorrow so I’ll sign off. I’m not sure yet if I’ll blog from Down Under or not. It sounds like a fun way to capture some of what is going on but I’m just not sure I want to spend any time at a computer while I’m there. I don’t know, I’ll see how I feel when I get there.

Cheers y'all!

Vacation Planning Rocks

2006-08-26T16:37:00.000-07:00

So, I’ve been off having a life since my last installment. I’ve been planning my 3 week trip to Australia and New Zealand like a crazed woman on a mission. Funny that when I started looking at exactly what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go I felt like I “had to” book flights, hotels, hostels, etc. right then, right that very second. I of course did a lot of research and found some great places to go. It’s coming up next month and I honestly can’t wait to go!! I’ll be sure to review everything when I return – not like anyone reads this but it will be a nice reminder for me once the trip is over.

I knew Australia was a big place but you really realize it when you start looking at domestic flight times. It really brings home just how large the place is. Flying across Australia is at least as long a flight as flying across the U.S. I’m not sure people really get that. Maybe because the U.S. is part of a larger continent it looks bigger. Or maybe it’s the size of our collective egos – we just *think* our country is bigger than everyone else’s. I think that’s probably it….

And speaking of our collective egos I will be doing my best to blend while I’m in Australia. It never really works mind you, there’s something about our demeanor and presence that screams, “HI, I’M FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! WHAT A NICE LITTLE COUNTRY YOU HAVE HERE.” Well, that and I’ll have a huge backpack on my back which is kind of a tip-off that I’m a tourist. I tend to just try not to be too annoying and sort of tone down my “Americanness” if you will.

I already blew it, kind of. I sent an email to this place I wanted to stay in to make a reservation. Of course, I don’t want to stay in a crappy room so I’m trying to figure out a way to say, “I’d like a nice room” without sounding annoyingly pretentious (aka American). At this age in my life, the days of bunking with 5 or 6 other people are over. In fact, bunking with one other person is questionable depending on the person. There are very few people I want to share a room with anymore, it’s just not worth the hassle.

So, I was talking about how I was trying to request a nice room without sounding like an annoying American. Well, I failed miserably of course and now I just know when I get there they’ll be laughing about it. That’s OK, I guess that does make me kind of pretentious but I can live with it. There are a few things that I simply want a certain way and you never know what you’re going to get sometimes so asking for what you want means you might actually get it. If that makes me pretentious then so be it, I can think of worse things.

This trip has created a multitude of shopping imperatives – new backpack, new shoes, new bathing suit (what a traumatic experience that was), new sun hat, etc. So far I love my new purchases and will get some good use out of them. Plus I just bought a new bra today. I love buying a new bra. Men may not have an equivalent experience but a new bra is one of my favorite things. I’m pretty well-endowed in the chestal region so finding a bra that fits me is always a challenge. Luckily I’ve found a place where I live that specializes in bras for ladies with my predicament. They have pretty bras that are very supportive, which is nice because usually they are butt-ugly. I’ve never understood this. Why is it necessary for large cup size bras to be so ugly? Do the manufacturers think that because a woman has large breasts she doesn’t care if her bra is pretty or not? Do they not think we like pretty lingerie? So stupid. We have money and we would be very willing to spend it if they gave us something lovely to spend it on.

But I digress…

So, I’m getting ready for my trip and I’m so excited!! I can’t wait to be on a beach, in a hammock outside my private bungalow enjoying the natural beauty surrounding me. I am so blessed, so incredibly fortunate that I am able to go on this trip. I love seeing the world and Australia has been on my list for at least 15 years. The idea that it’s less than a month away is really damn cool.

Cheers!

The Soul Knows

2006-07-06T21:36:00.000-07:00

I’ve been a fan of Caroline Myss for a long time. My Mom introduced me to her when I was in my 20’s and I’ve been following her work ever since. She’s recently started doing an online webcast weekly (Tuesday’s on Hay House Radio) where she discusses archetypes and does mini-readings. She’s an amazing teacher and I’ve really learned a lot from her.

So, I’m listening to a couple of the Podcasts I downloaded from Hay House on Soul Mates and Soul Companions. She was talking about the fantasy version of a “Soul Mate” most people have in their heads and how that’s really not what it’s about at all. Which I really already knew and wasn’t surprised to hear. No, she meant the kind of person you feel electricity with, you feel something animated with them. And not even necessarily in a romantic sense though it can certainly take that form. So as I was listening I realized she was really kind of telling my story with the MG!

It was all there, being compelled to be with the person even when reason or circumstances tell you not to, the connection in the chakras above the waist as opposed to the survival chakras, the feeling that there is a deep, deep soul connection that goes far beyond any ego-based lusts or passions, the feeling of your soul being “stretched” to its limits, bringing out the illumination of the light and the shadow of the dark within both of you, the inability to move away from or out of that person’s environment and ultimately, the knowing that you have a contract with this person to educate one another and grow one another through your connection with each other as part of your life’s journey.

That is EXACTLY what happened with us. And it wasn’t all nice and sweet and romantic and clean. It was hard and painful and messy and wrenching. Granted, there were definitely some moments of pure bliss – the times when I felt so utterly connected to him and we were alone and it was a kind of intimacy I’ve never had with another person (man or woman), that night at the party – in total there was quite a lot of pain and anguish and growth and realization for me (and probably for him too) during this relationship.

And it did bring out my shadow, no doubt about it. There were times when I was so angry, bitter, and hostile (not to mention how angry, bitter and hostile I was about *being* angry, bitter and hostile!) while at the same time saying to myself, “I refuse to be that bitter woman who goes around biting the guy’s head off every chance she gets.” Yeah, but I did that anyway – not too bad though, I kept it mostly under control and seethed internally. Of course all of this is part of a pattern Caroline described perfectly. What it’s really about is a power struggle.

I had given away my power almost immediately at the beginning of this whole ordeal because I just completely dove into it full force. I was a bit cautious at first but then when I realized he felt the same way I literally handed him the power hoping that he would then leave this marriage he wasn’t even happy in (by his own admission). I then proceeded to get angry at him for accepting that power even though that’s human nature. So there I am all pissed off because he’s not paying enough attention to me and I’m the one who kind of created the whole situation in the first place – well, we both created it but I definitely gave my power away. So then I become the needy one and that’s so completely unattractive to people. I mean I didn’t call him all the time or get really pathetic about it but I could have if I hadn’t kept a lid on it.

So, ultimately, what does it all mean? Well, I learned an awful lot about myself. I know I will not sell myself out again in the hopes that someone will love me. You can’t abandon yourself and then expect someone else to come save you. You have to feel worthy of love just as you are without having to compromise yourself in any fashion. And I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t compromise in a relationship but more that compromising your own wholeness spiritually, as a soul, in the hopes that the person will love you is not healthy.

It’s amazing, I heard so much of myself and him in her callers, so much that was exactly like what we experienced. A woman called saying that she thought her marriage had been over for 10 years but that she had stayed because of her son. Caroline told her that she was fooling herself, she wasn’t staying for her son, she was staying for herself – because she didn’t want to deal with the consequences of leaving. She said she needed to step up and be honest with herself about why she was *really* staying and it had nothing to do with her child.

The MG would say all the time that he had to stay in his marriage for his son and that he couldn’t leave. He would always say that if there were no children involved he would leave her. I kind of knew this was a crock but I did let him get away with it for quite a while. But I finally told him if that’s how he felt then my suggestion was that he give that relationship 100% of his energy and leave me alone. He wasn’t really able to do that though – which doesn’t really surprise me either at this point.

I do believe we are soul mates. I don’t know if that means we’ll be together or not. It certainly doesn’t guarantee it. Maybe our contract was about the brief time we spent together and the lessons we both took away from it; the growth we both experienced. Caroline said you can tell when your contract is finished with someone when all the electricity is gone, when all the animation leaves and you feel nothing extraordinary for the person anymore. That’s definitely not how I feel about the MG. I’ve buried a lot of it out of self-preservation but it’s there and would sky-rocket to the surface if we ever became involved again. I’ve made a rule that there can be nothing more while he’s married – no exceptions, no “just this once more,” nothing. He knows this and if he makes the choice to stay where he is then it truly was only meant to be what it was over the last year.

I guess this means I need to start coming up with more interesting and diverse topics to discuss. I better get out there and have a life so I’ll have something to say…..

Lonely, Desperate, Empty What?

2006-07-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

It’s funny the way things go. I’ve been feeling like I needed to write and right on cue I receive an anonymous email encouraging me to keep writing. Well, there you have it so here I am.

Life’s been very busy since my last installment – mostly work and mostly me trying to make it through the daily emotional flaying courtesy of the mess I’ve gotten myself into with the MG. Apparently the Gods are smiling on me though because I had a moment of total clarity last month and now, finally, the flaying is O-V-E-R. For now anyway, nothing is permanent so I’m just appreciating and enjoying while I can.

So, I’m watching Oprah….I imagine there are more “moments of clarity” that begin this way than can even be imagined. Oprah is the shit – even though she publicly verbally stoned James Frey nearly to death because he altered details in his book. What? A former drug addict altered details in his memoir about his experiences in rehab? I’m shocked! Shocked, I say! I could do a whole post about this alone….maybe I will. Anyway, the important part is I forgave her for slaying James on national television because everyone deserves some slack once in a while. So there.

So, I’m watching Oprah and she has this woman on who was “the other woman” for 3 years. While my experience isn’t really the same as hers – she was meeting this guy a few times a week for the full term of their relationship, the MG and I had maybe 6 “episodes” over the course of a year – I could identify with some of the things she was saying about how she felt during that time. So, Dr. Robin is talking about how women get into these relationships and she says something to the effect of, “when we’re a lonely, desperate, empty vessel…..”

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What?! A lonely, desperate, empty vessel? I AM NOT A LONELY, DESPERATE, EMPTY VESSEL!! What the hell am I doing acting like one?

Well, needless to say, that was kind of the end of that. It actually took me about a week after that to really feel emotionally solid around the MG but it’s been a month and a half and I’m still good. I think the first time I told the MG that it had to end was in November of last year. So, it took me 6 months to really mean it but now that I do I certainly feel better about myself. Now I can put that energy into other things that definitely need it – like my workout.

So, there it is. The end of that particular chapter. The book isn’t finished yet, we still work together and have to interact every day but so far it’s actually been pretty good. I’m able to mark certain areas off-limits for us and I just don’t go there – even when he tries to. I know that if I ever let my guard down it’s back into the pit of despair and I just can’t have that in my life. I operate from the assumption that he will never leave his wife, period. Anything else is a road to nowhere paved with a lot of emotional pain.

And that’s all I have to say about that…. Well, not exactly. The only other thing I will say is that the depth of my connection with the MG is still there underneath all this resolve. Something in my psyche has shifted allowing me to function without feeling the kind of pain and longing I had been feeling up to now but we are just as connected as we ever were. For those of you who believe in reincarnation I tend to think we've been a couple before. It would certainly explain the way I feel about him and the difficulty I had in moving past the reality of our current situation. Everything in me, physically and emotionally, told me I was supposed to be with this person. Kissing him, making love to him was like coming home, like I had finally found where I was supposed to be....or more accurately, who I was supposed to be with. In all honesty, I can't say the story is completely over even though I operate from the place of assuming he will not leave his wife. I consider the possibility that maybe this is their lifetime together and we've had ours. I don't know. All I do know is that it's not completely over but I have to move on because getting stuck here is not part of the plan for me.

OK, now I'm done....for now. Happy 4th y'all.

Long Strange Trip

2006-04-09T15:01:00.000-07:00

I knew it had been a long time since I had blogged but 5 months flew by at light speed. Reading my last few posts reminds me of where I was last October and what has transpired since then. I've had a few moments of weakness with the MG and there has been sex (just once) - despite my intentions to the contrary. In actuality, that night was a very sexy experience all around.

I threw a party for people at work and nearly everyone came. It is the first party I'd had in my new place and it was exciting that everyone loved it and was getting to see it. The MG came sans spouse which I definitely expected. There had been some flirting and I think we both knew it was the perfect excuse to be together - if we could just get all the partygoers to leave early enough to have some time.

It was like being in a movie . . . prolonged eye contact across the room, brushing up against each other when no one could see, stolen kisses upstairs in the dark when everyone else was downstairs. The party had a great energy of its own and everyone was having such a great time that we certainly weren't missed for the few minutes we were gone. He said he wanted to stay, I said I wanted him to. It was all very exciting, something I'll remember forever.

We finally got the last guy to leave under the guise that the MG had too much to drink and was going to camp out for a while and have some coffee. I agreed to return him to his car which was parked at the office. It did take a great amount of effort to get the guy to leave but he finally agreed and at last we were alone. We looked at each other and smiled like we were kids and my parents had just left for a long weekend. What followed was incredible. Sex with him is unlike it's ever been with anyone else. It's not really about the physical so much as the spiritual. I mean the physical is wonderful but it's the connection I feel to him that makes it truly spectacular.

After that night he again retreated to his cave as he had following the previous coital experiences. But just recently he was overcome when I hinted that I wasn’t wearing any panties under my skirt. He basically walked me back to the storage room and there was a good bit of groping and kissing – which was what I expected as I knew the effect my disclosure would have on him. I’ll take the blame for that one, it was pretty calculated. However, there was a price . . . the inevitable cave retreat.

Of course I’m annoyed by the cave thing. In all honesty, it makes me wonder what the hell is going on with him. Is he feeling guilty? He says he doesn’t feel guilty about what has happened between us but the disappearing act is speaking a different message. I had actually intended to discuss this with him and he said he would come talk but then he disappeared for the weekend. I was pretty pissed but now I’m feeling like it’s all just writing on the wall. What he says is maybe what he wants to be the truth but I’m questioning now if he even knows what his truth is.

I wish I could honestly say, "I'm done with him" but I would be lying. I've tried pushing my feelings for him away and it just hasn't worked. Whatever it is, there's more to be dealt with here. I feel stupid for even saying it but the truth is that when we're together something comes over me and it's like we're the only people in the world. Again, cliche and stupid but, alas, it's true. However, I will say that I've been able to shut some of it off just by reminding myself of reality - he's not going to leave his wife, no matter what he says and I have to deal with that.

There will come a time when I'm able to say it's done but I'm not there yet. Having him in my daily life makes that a long process because the wound is re-opened every day. Thankfully, I have the weekends and the distance helps me work through it. Looking back at the last year, it's been quite an experience. Good, bad, ugly, and really ugly. My friend said I should write a book. Maybe someday when it's really finished.

Still Crying

2005-10-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

You know, emotional pain just sucks. I mean, it *really* sucks. I have periods when I feel fine, normal, like myself. Then, out of nowhere I start crying again. At work, at home, in the car. I was thinking today in the midst of one of these episodes that I really don't want to feel this way anymore. I want it to go away. I want to feel normal again (whatever that means). I want him to walk into my office and say, "I love you, I can't stand being without you, I will figure out a way to get out of my marriage."

Of course I say that and yet I know it would still mean someone hurts (his wife, his kids, him) and I wish that wasn't true. It's selfish of me, I know. It's my ego talking of course - it wants what it wants. Moving up to the higher functioning, more symbolic chakras, I know that what I really want is for both of us to find our truth and do what is best for us in our lives - even if that means he stays right where he is. Ultimately, if he stays with his wife, it means that's where he is supposed to be. I can't argue with that, it's his life, his path to walk, who am I to tell him he's wrong? "I can only show you the door..." and all that.

The hard part is that I can see how he's paralyzed by it all right now. He doesn't want to think about it, he doesn't know what to do about it. He wants a solution that doesn't cause anyone any pain and unfortunately that's just not possible. I think it would be sad if he is unable to at least move beyond his mental/emotional paralysis and really truly consider what is the right decision for his life and the lives of his kids. Standing still hasn't been working for him for a long time. I have to wonder if I'm the brick upside the head trying to spur him out of his cement shoes. I guess that's really for him to resolve.

I stay with my original assessment, this just sucks.

The Big Talk

2005-10-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

There is so much inside of me and I don't know how I'm going to get it all out. The last several weeks have been difficult. I'm feeling so many emotions but they all come together to create the most spectacular heartache I've ever felt. I've never been in love like this so I guess it would make sense that the corresponding pain would be that much greater.

Good news first.....the MG is in love with me too. Has been for a while he says. Would have been nice if he'd mentioned it at some point. Wants to "spend his life building a relationship with me." Wants to move in with me right now and be together. Can't imagine ever falling out of love with me.

Bad news......doesn't feel like he can "turn his back on his family" right now. Even though he's unhappy in the marriage, his wife is unhappy in the marriage, and he said he wouldn't really be working any harder on the relationship even if I wasn't a factor.

Wow, I bet it's a hoot living in THAT household.

Result......no more fun and games with the Babe of any kind. No long talks (unless it is business related), no hugs, no stolen kisses, no rubbing legs under the table, no touching at all actually, and absolutely NO SEX. He was distressed to hear about all of it but especially about the no touching and no hugs - he was hoping to at least get away with that.

We had "the Big Talk" on Friday and it actually went quite well. We were very open, honest and respectful of each other. We clearly love each other. We clearly want to be together. He's not quite ready to leave though and that's where I had to draw the line in the sand. I told him I refused to sell myself out and accept any less than what I know I deserve in a relationship with him. To do so would not only damage our relationship but, more importantly, it would damage how I feel about myself and my own self worth. And that is something I simply will not do.

Of course I say all of this and I've been crying off and on all weekend. I actually cried myself to sleep last night. I don't know that I have ever done that - if I have I don't remember it. I don't even WANT to enforce this "new policy." What I really want to do is spend whole days in bed with him. I'm sad every morning because he's not there with me, I'm sad every night because he's not there with me. My heart breaks daily because I've waited 36 years for the love of my life and when I finally find him he's married. Unhappily married and yet unable to leave. I've asked myself if he doesn't love me enough to leave, do I want him? But that's an unfair question because the reality is that he loves his kids more and I can't say I fault him for that. However, I would argue that leaving might be the best thing for his kids given the instability of the household. But it somehow feels like a conflict of interests for me to offer this consideration.

We sat in my car in a relatively deserted public park for 2 hours and talked - at least a half hour of that was spent kissing as neither of us wanted to let go of the other. We both wanted to bag the rest of the day and go to my place but I stayed strong and said no. My theory here is that he can't miss something that's there and available to him so I need to remove myself. If he's fine without having me and able to continue on with life as if nothing has changed then it really wasn't meant to be for us. If, however, he's in love with me the way he says he is, this separation will probably create some pain and suffering for him. That might be what he needs to really come to a final decision about us. It's an act of self-preservation on my part because I can't keep hugging and kissing him if he doesn't plan on leaving his wife. That would be emotional suicide on my part.

So, what's the final outcome? Well, there isn't one yet. According to a source I respect highly who is both eerily intuitive and wise in the ways of such things, this is far from over for him. "Oh, he'll be back. I guarantee it." I guess we'll see. I'm afraid to get my hopes up but maybe that's just what I need to do. This whole time I've been afraid to hope for anything. Afraid to hope he might like me, then afraid to hope he might want to kiss me too, and afraid to hope he was feeling what I was feeling, afraid to hope he might love me. So far, I could have been hoping for all of these things and I would not have been disappointed. Maybe a little hope would be good for me. Thoughts are energy you know, they do have power. I could use a bit of energetic power on this one. I love this man, I'm not going down without a fight.

What is it about Thursday?

2005-09-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

You know it's strange. The MG and I always seem to have pivotal moments on Thursday. Had sex for the first and second time on consecutive Thursday's. Then today no sex (it's THAT week and he's got some cold or flu thing that I definitely don't want) but an otherwise excellent day for communication between us. Strange that.

I'm still struggling with myself when it comes to wanting the MG. I so enjoy our banter at work and it all just continues to strengthen my desire for him. Sometimes I feel like I'll explode if I don't touch him. I keep reminding myself that I need to remain open to allow it to work out in the way it's intended rather than simply the way I want it to. It's not an easy thing to do and I'm not sure if I can actually keep from putting my own subjective desires out there. Ultimately, I know in my soul that it will unfold in the way that is best for everyone involved. This certainly doesn't mean it will be painless. In fact, pain is pretty much guaranteed at this point.

Whew!! That was serious. No doubt this is all going to get very, very messy. I know it's coming.

So the bank robber is gone. He found out he wasn't the only one in my life and even though I had "the talk" with him the previous week about maintaining the boundaries of the "no strings attached" arrangement we had originally entered into, it bothered him enough to decide it best to opt out. Which is fine really though will miss many things about him. There is even more drama in his life right now than there is in mine so it really is for the best. It's just hard to let such great sex walk out the door. Fortunately, the memory remains.....

The Inevitable Crash

2005-09-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

WARNING: The entry ahead is filled with soap opera-ish drama and a great heap O' whining so read at your own peril (nausea likely).

So after the last entry things were going well with me emotionally. I was having those "so now what" thoughts and trying to consider what life might be like if the MG actually left his current domestic experience in search of unwedded bliss with me or at the very least, singlehood. This was a good thing because it was helping me to move beyond the lust and passion to think with my head (being a woman and having only 1 head, this is not a debilitating experience).

So, yes, I was doing well and considering those things. Then I went to work on Monday. Didn't see or hear from the MG. This is not entirely uncommon for a Monday so I was still good though I did feel some pangs because I hadn't seen him since the post-coital kiss on his way out the door of my place last Thursday. And now here comes Tuesday and again, didn't see or hear from him all day until I requested his presence for a completely legitimate and important business reason. He turned me down saying they were swamped and he'd be able to get out from under it by Thursday.

Though frustrated (on the business side) and disappointed (on the personal side), I knew he was truly swamped and decided to let it go until........I hear his voice in the office next to mine at 3:00 or so. He yammers on with my neighbor for about an hour and then leaves for the day without even popping his head in to say hello/goodbye. I am most seriously displeased (to quote a character from the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice). Not to mention crushed, my heart feeling like someone had cracked it open and it was now bleeding out all over the floor. But mostly I was angry because it was easier to feel angry than devastated.

And then I was angry at myself for being devastated. How could I have allowed myself to be so vulnerable with this man that lack of a visit to my office would send me into depression and an early happy hour? Besides, wasn't I supposed to be distancing myself from him anyway? Weren't we supposed to be trying to stay away from each other a little bit? Yes, both answers are yes and I can only say that my heart just doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about what I'm "supposed" to be doing, it wants what it wants and what it wants is him - body, mind, soul, the whole deal.

You know, I really need to be seeing my therapist more often than I am. I clearly need A LOT more work.

I started writing him a nasty email and then deleted it, wisely knowing that I would regret sending it. I was too hurt and angry to communicate with him in any way at that moment - which is why I didn't call him either. So I came home and drank instead.

Around my second 12 oz glass of Crown and Diet Coke I considered the possibility that the pleasant numbing sensation taking place as a result of the alcohol was probably ultimately not a good thing. As uncomfortable as it was, I needed to feel this and not stuff it or drink it away. Right on cue, Mom called. It's amazing the way Mom's can just put things in perspective for you. She made some very good points about not immediately distrusting everything he'd ever said to me but rather that he might be struggling himself and didn't feel he could trust himself around me. "Just let him be" she said, "he'll be back, I guarantee it." It always sounds so much better when Mom's say it.

So I went out for dinner with a couple of girlfriends and I do feel better. I'm still sad that he feels it necessary to avoid me but I'm doing OK right now. I've vowed that I'm not going to call or email him beyond absolutely necessary business stuff and I may even try to put that off a bit if it's not urgent. I hate these fucking games, it just feels so stupid to me. If he would just come and tell me what was going on with him it would be better than this silence. I know, I know, men don't do that, they go to their cave and mull it over and then they come out and want to see you again. Whatever. I'm still going to let him know that it hurts me when he avoids me like that. If this relationship has any hope at all, he needs to know this kind of stuff. Who knows, maybe he'll actually tell me something helpful about what he was thinking. I know, unlikely. But it could happen.

As the Babe Turns

2005-09-24T22:47:00.000-07:00

So Babe, what's been going on in your world since you and your co-worker gave new meaning to the term "teamwork?" How's the Bank Robber? Still banging him too?

Well gentle reader, I have to say that this last week or so has been quite an emotional roller coaster. Primarily due to the MG and revelations for both of us but the Bank Robber has certainly played a part in there as well.

I guess the BHD (big hairy deal) is the conversation the MG and I had regarding what is clearly going on between us. We talked a lot about his current situation and what's going on there as well as how we feel about each other. The bottom line being that both of us want this relationship to go far beyond the physical (though we are both enjoying that aspect immensely). Neither of us really want to do the sneaking around thing where we can only have stolen moments during the day. Though, I must say, if I let him have that he'd probably let it go on for quite a while.

The truth is the ball is kind of in my court on this one and it's not been easy for me. I have plenty of resolve when he's not around but then the moment he's in my energy field that connection kicks in and I feel utterly defenseless. It's pathetic really but I have to tell you, it's unlike anything I've felt before. When he's in a room with me, I physically feel connected to him. I want to touch him all the time and not really even sexually, I just want that physical connection to him. I don't quite know what to do with it sometimes.

We've only been together one more time but it was even better than the first time. It was so intense (how trite is that?) and the energy exchange was AMAZING. We had more time together, it felt kind of indulgent.

And yet with all of this I still know it must stop. He knows it too. He understands why. But we haven't been able to bring ourselves to stop. Although, after the most recent encounter I'm feeling a bit more objective about things. I don't know why but I'm starting to think about "so now what?" In other words, what would come next? If he left his marriage what would we do? Do we try to date? Do we move in together? What happens next?

I don't really have a great answer. I think it's something we would have to discuss. Frankly, I kind of like living alone but I also know that I would really enjoy waking up next to him in the morning and falling asleep with him at night. I know I would really, really like that.

It Never Fails

2005-09-15T16:36:00.000-07:00

Whenever you really like someone - I mean really like someone - the first time you have sex with them is not necessarily the best. Or maybe that's just me. If I have major emotions wrapped up in someone the feeling of vulnerability that creates tends to inhibit things in my soma (body). This has actually been true of all the boyfriends I've had in the past and clearly I still need lots of therapy because it's still true today.

Odd isn't it that I can have mind-blowing sex with the bank robber and only sorta good sex with the MG. Yes, boys and girls, it happened today - it was one of those, "a funny thing happened on the way to Office Depot" kinds of things. I fully intended to go to Office Depot, honest I did, but he suggested an alternative route and I just couldn't say no.

It wasn't bad, no definitely not bad, but it wasn't mind-blowing the way I kind of thought it would be. Dammit all to hell I was trying to remove expectation! In fact, I didn't even realize I'd had expectations until afterwards. Actually, they were pretty low, I thought I would have an orgasm and I just couldn't. He was doing everything right - believe me, this guy knows what he's doing - but my head couldn't let go. I think I also felt a bit odd being at home in the middle of the day while I was, technically, on the clock and knowing that everyone knew we were "at Office Depot" together. Honestly, I bet no one thought a thing about it but guilt can make you paranoid.

Now that I've had a couple glasses of wine, I'm feeling a little better about it all. For a while I was feeling like I'd completely blown it. After it happened I got some advice from a person who had been in this exact situation and actually ended up marrying the guy and they've been together for at least 15 years now. She said, "whatever you do, don't sleep with him until he moves out." Well, fuck me, I guess I blew it.

Seriously though, one of the feelings I had afterwards was that it really needed to happen. Both of us were like pressure cookers and we needed to release it. Even with the bank robber, I still had tension built up about the MG. The bank robber was just keeping me from ripping MG's clothes off in the middle of the office and doing him on the conference room table. Now that we've released that tension, I imagine we'll both be a bit more relaxed. Or, we'll be driven to keep doing it, I'm not sure which yet.

The other revelation I had was that I really can't be the "on-the-side" girl for him. I care about him enough that it would just kill me emotionally to only have his sex. I want the whole package with him, the relationship, the messiness, the whole deal. What's wrong with me? I've been a happy singleton for years now and certainly had not planned to give that up. I imagine that's why this is happening.

What a mess! Just when I thought my life was going to be unbearably boring......I guess that will teach me. Life is only unbearably boring if you're not living it. So, tune in tomorrow boys and girls because no one (not even me) knows what will happen from day to day.

Holy Shit

2005-09-14T18:03:00.000-07:00

It's been quite an experience these last few days. I saw the bank robber again and the sex was, well, truly spectacular......again! That was last night and I managed to get him out of here by 11:00pm so I could get some sleep. I swear, he's going to break me but I won't care because he's so good. A talented man with an oral fixation is a true treasure - bank robber or not!

And then there's the MG. WOW!! Well, things have escalated rather quickly. We had a conversation yesterday in which (after several very suggestive, sexy email on both sides) I told him I was done. Done playing verbal foreplay, done going home sexually frustrated (though the bank robber is helping me with that quite nicely, which is the only thing keeping me sane right now), just done with it.

The conversation was actually a really good one and I found out some things I didn't know. Namely, he's really into me. He really cares about me beyond the whole physical thing. This was good to hear because I was wondering if I was the only one feeling it. He's pretty good at hiding his feelings (making mental note of this). He is a Scorpio after all, they're masters of it.

So we're talking about how neither of us want to hurt his wife but he's also telling me that they've had conversations about divorcing and sometimes neither of them are sure why they're together. His kids are the deal for him though. He's pretty sure he'd be fine without his wife but he's not sure how he'd be without his kids. This is the crux of his issue at the moment. That and he doesn't want to do anything to hurt his wife. Though I have news for him on that front - if he cares about me as much as he says he does, he's already cheating on her. Just because we're not yet sleeping together doesn't mean he's not cheating. In fact, I'd say the kind of cheating he's doing now is more detrimental than just having sex with someone - IMHO. He's emotionally involved with me, that's pretty serious.

So anyway, today we had a major development. After a trip to the Office Depot - for completely legitimate reasons even - he came into my office, shut the door and kissed me. I mean, he really kissed me - with passion and a sexiness and everything loving. It was quite a kiss, I was shaking afterwards and had to sit down. I admit, the car ride to the Office Depot and back to the office was kind of hot so there was certainly a bit of foreplay there that got us both hot and bothered. I really didn't think he'd do it though, break that control and actually kiss me.

My head is just spinning. Last night, with the bank robber, he said I was hotter than I'd been since we'd been having sex. No surprise, the conversation earlier in the day with the MG had me so wound up that I was just on fire. Of course, the bank robber doesn't know that and I'm certainly not going to tell him. He has enough issues.

So, now what? Well, I told the MG that he needed to make a decision about what he wanted in his life. Is the marraige something he wants to stay in? Is what he's feeling with me strong enough for him to consider leaving it? Is it just the catalyst to get him out of it? I don't know. I do know that I want to kiss him some more. A lot more actually. Yes, definitely more kissing.....

Out of Sight

2005-09-10T22:49:00.000-07:00

Did you ever see this movie? George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez. He's a bank robber, she's a Federal Marshall. Yes, she eventually shoots him in the end (but she doesn't kill him - hard to kill someone you've had such good sex with).

I'm no Federal Marshall but currently, my life is like an Out of Sight deja'vu. One of my surrogates has informed me that he's been in prison for bank robbery and is still on probation. He told me this morning after a night where neither of us got much sleep. And yes, it was a very good thing.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I don't necessarily think this means he's a "bad person," but I have questions for him. I was too stunned this morning to know what they were but now that I've had some time to think about it, I've got a few. For example:

How long ago?
Was this for one incident or several attempts?
What else has he been arrested for/convicted of?
Was there a gun involved?
Is there violence in his past?
Where is he at with this now?
Why did he do it in the first place?
Why the HELL does he have to be so goddamn GOOD IN BED???!!! Shit!!

I have apparently landed myself with an authentic "bad boy." Well done me. Every trailer park honey's wet dream. That's not fair really, he's not a bad person but he's made some colossally bad choices. I do believe he can become much more than those bad choices but it's a bit of a thing to process nonetheless.

And the MG. And the MG. And the MG! He's getting even bolder now in his email to me. I can tell he's beginning to truly entertain the idea of something actually happening between us. I can't say I'm upset about that. I definitely want it. I feel like I'm in the middle of a soap opera.

Back to Life

2005-09-04T00:24:00.000-07:00

Remember that Soul II Soul song? Love that song.

Anyway, I've been having a life so I haven't been thinking much about blogging. Not that there haven't been things to talk about. The "married guy" (MG for short I think) is still giving me fits daily but I decided that since he's not going to put out, I better find a surrogate (or 2 or 3) to work out my frustration on - a "pomme de sang" if you will. 'Cause let me tell ya, it was just about killing me being wound up that tight with nowhere to work it out. Or maybe I should say no one to work it out on. Thankfully for me, I've remedied that and MG can wind me up all he wants and I can work it out on some lucky bastard who has no idea he's not the one putting me in this "state."

And even better because now I can taunt MG with the fact that someone else is getting what he could be getting. Someone else is getting the rewards that are truly meant for him. But hey, if he's not interested in stepping outside those boundaries, more power to him, but I will get my freak on goddammit, with him or without him. And let me tell you, I've made a couple of fine choices too so sista ain't missin' out on nothin' ya hear!?

Now of course that's complete bullshit. Well, not complete, I did make a couple of fine choices for my surrogates, but the truth remains that I'd much rather be working out my sexual tension with the object of my desire. Namely, MG. He's my match in nearly every way and truly the first man I've met who could stand toe to toe with me without being intimidated, freaked out, overwhelmed, scared, or judgemental. He's like a bolt of lightening and I can't believe he's married. I mean, I *can* believe he's married but I'm righteously pissed that this person finally shows up in my life and he's not even available. That is bullshit.

In all honesty, I know better than to think anything is truly permanent, divorce is not only common, it's kind of the norm now. However, I do have guilt about my feelings. And some fear because I don't know if he truly feels the same way, though he's said some things that lead me to believe he does. Dammit, I'm going to have to have "the talk" with him at some point. I need to find out if this is passing entertainment for him or something more substantial. If it's passing entertainment I need to get over it and move on because I certainly deserve to be more than that to someone I feel this way about.

You know what, I'm like a walking example of nearly every story in the "He's Just Not That Into You" book. If he was really interested, married or not, wouldn't he be doing whatever he could to be with me. Granted, at the moment, he just sends me surreptitious email from a private account and we trade extremely suggestive dialogue daily.

I think I like the surrogates better. It's very straightforward - we have a drink or two, we have good sex, and they GO HOME. It's very simple. Everyone goes home happy and satisfied - including me so it's all good. But there's no lightening. Not really. Some really good sex but no lightening. Goddammit.

Married Men

2005-07-16T18:23:00.000-07:00

I've been with married men before. A couple I've been with more than once. In theory, they're the perfect fuck because they go away when you're finished with them. In reality, I think my conscience gives me a little trouble. I believe that a man can't be "taken" unless he wants to be so if he's into it and you don't have any misconceptions about him leaving his wife, I generally say go for it. But there's always a part of me that's slightly worried about my karma. I guess that speaks volumes.

There are a couple of married men playing virtual footsie with me under the table at the moment. One is a bit more serious than the other - of course that's the one I see every day and have to work pretty closely with. The phrase, "don't shit where you live" is not altogether inappropriate in this situation.

No lines have been crossed - lots of flirting, lots of suggestive comments, lots of sexual tension, lots of lingering eye contact and verbal sparring but no major physical contact yet. When I'm in the same room with him, I find myself aching to touch him. Of course, we're always at work so that doesn't work very well. I've forced myself to sit back and see what happens. He's expressed interest and I've let him know I feel the same way. Now I guess I'll wait and see.

To: Married

2005-07-16T01:43:00.000-07:00

I went out tonight to a concert with a friend of mine. It was pretty last minute but the concert was great. This band Secret Machines from Canada was incredible. Kings of Leon was also there but they kind of sucked. I've decided their music is just not for me.

I'm not actually sure why I'm writing. I am not drunk. Let's just clear that up. Seriously, I'm not drunk at all. I just felt like talking and since no one is here but me, writing was the next best thing. I felt like talking to you. I probably shouldn't say that but it's true and I think you know it anyway.

I'm in such a Portishead kind of mood. Do you know who they are? Their song Glorybox is really speaking to me right now. It comes on quiet but the groove is delicious. Just the right speed. I've attached it though I'm not sure if it will come through correctly.

What the hell am I doing? What the hell am I thinking? I'm such an idiot. I wish I could be a brazen smart-ass to you right now and say something that would inspire some of the sparring we do but that's all kind of stripped bare right now. I can't even believe I'm showing you any of this. I'm debating whether or not I should even send this to you. It's so about me just rambling on like this.<>

Now it's 1:45. It's taken me 15 minutes to write this because I keep stopping and telling myself I'm being silly. I have to go to bed. I wish you were there.

Shakabuku

2005-06-25T00:41:00.000-07:00

"A swift spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever."

Ever had one of these? It's quite an experience. I know because it happened to me today. Seriously. I'm not kidding.

I won't go into detail but suffice it to say that I had a moment today of such clarity that I'm still a bit dazed. Not confused though. No, definitely not confused.

I was struck by how effortlessly it all happened too. WHAM! Just like that, your reality is altered forever. I have to say, I'm really happy about it. I feel really damn good!

I know this is kind of cryptic but some things are too personal for cyberspace, even if I am generally anonymous. I can't really go into it but I'm really happy about this and I can't wait to see what's coming next. It's all very exciting!

Random Act of Annoyance

2005-06-17T18:05:00.000-07:00

So I get my credit card statement and realize that my interest rate has gone up 5% in the last year. This perplexes me because I've been a very good monkey and paid all my bills on time. So I call my credit card company to inquire about said increase and they inform me that they don't know exactly why MY interest rate has gone up but someone from some department can send me documentation of why it went up.

Oh, and by the way, is there anything they can do for me today? Um, yeah, lower my interest rate!! Shockingly they comply and kick me back 3 of the 5%.

So I get "the document" and here's what it says:

This increase was based on our decision to increase the revenue on your account. The change in your annual percentage rate was not based on individual characteristics or account performance.

So basically, they just decided, "hey, we could use some more money, why don't we kick up the interest rate for that chick in Oregon. I'm sure she won't mind funding my boat purchase or my trip to Bali."

WTF!

Is that where we're at? They can just decide, "hey, it's Tuesday, let's increase interest rates for all of our cardholders." I was stunned, saddened, and disturbed by this. Maybe I'm woefully out of touch but that's never happened to me before - a credit card company just deciding to "increase the revenue" on my account despite my excellent history with them. Maybe this means I should cancel the card. If I had the money to pay it off I would. Maybe I should juggle some funds and pay it off anyway and cancel it because this is total crap!

Dammit, I had a good day too. I found a fat chunk of money they thought they had lost at work and I found out I'm getting a nice raise this year. Well, I won't let my stupid credit card company ruin my good day. I'm going to have a beer and a smoke dammit and enjoy my evening! So there!

I've Lost My Lunatic

2005-06-15T18:35:00.000-07:00

I've been away for awhile so I decide to go check in with my buddy Lunatic to see if he's still getting laid more often than any human has a right to (bartender in New Orleans, you do the math) and his link gets me nowhere! I'm distressed! I've sent him an email, we'll see if he's completely dropped off the face of the earth or if he just got bored talking about his sexual conquests.

I was just thinking, does *anyone* think Paris Hilton is sexy? Have you seen her new commercial? Maybe I've completely lost touch. I freely admit that this is possible as I'm in my mid-thirties now but really, is Paris Hilton sexy to anyone? If I was a guy I'd be worried about catching something from her, not to mention that bony ass she has.

Now why do I go and do that, be all bitchy like that. Paris Hilton hasn't done anything to me, who am I to judge her and say mean things about her. It only fucks up my karma. But seriously people, is this really the standard of beauty we want our daughters to aspire to? I thought it was a mess when I was a teenager but it's 1000x worse now. This whole country needs about 10 years of serious therapy. We have major body issues, hang-ups with our sexuality and we're either starving ourselves or we're 100 pounds overweight. This is not a healthy nation. I'm no exception here, I certainly have my issues but I'm in therapy. Sometimes I think a little Zoloft or Prozac would be nice but I really want to see if I can stay off those kinds of pharmaceuticals. I prefer my drugs to come out of the ground.

You know what, *I* am the lunatic. I clearly need more to drink and smoke . . .

Everything Coal is New Again

2005-06-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

So, have you seen the new GE ad on TV? The one they're calling 'Model Miners?' You can find a brief summary and links to watch the commercial here. I have to say, just when I think this Administration's balls can't possibly get any bigger, something like this comes out.

Everyone is so moral and Christian until they want to sell something and then it's "BRING ON THE SEX!!!" I just sat there and laughed. I couldn't help myself. I have to give them credit though, it did get my attention (hot guys with chiseled abs will do that). And then I realized they were selling coal and I started laughing at their sheer chutzpah. I'll tell ya, it takes a pair of big hairy ones to put that ad on. Of course it's a GE ad so BushCo would say they have no involvement in how GE decides to market their products.

Riiiiiiiight.

Yet another example of what this Administration is all about. Liars and convenient Christians, all of them. It does give me some hope that approval ratings are down but I fear it's too much to hope that America is waking up from the long slumber they've been in.

I'm sorry, I still can't believe they're actually pushing COAL! Fucking COAL people! This is their solution? Jesus H.! What the hell . . . are we in the fucking twilight zone? I just don't know what to say, words fail me (sort of). I'll leave it to much more intelligent people to say something about how ridiculous it is that they're actually pushing coal as an option at all.

Inconvenience is Such an Inconvenience!

2005-06-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

I live in a condo complex that lacks enough guest parking. Everyone who owns a condo was allowed to purchase just one parking space and there are hardly any guest spots (because let's face it, they don't make any money off of them). In general, the parking situation sucks - the spaces are too narrow even for my Subaru Forester and that's not really a big vehicle. The two people next to me own a BMW X5 and some other huge monstrosity - an Aztec? In addition, they made the driving row way too small so backing out of my space requires several "adjustments" before I can actually drive off.

There are about 4 or 5 wheelchair accessible spaces as required by federal law - though there are not many condos that are on a ground floor without stairs and there are no elevators (it's not a very accessible place). So, the consequence is that a number of homeowners park in these spaces because:

Their own spot is too far from their condo
Their guests cannot possibly bear to park on the street
They are unloading their car
They are selfish, whining babies who pout about being inconvenienced because they have to walk an extra 20 feet to their own parking space.
Their own parking spot is a pain to park in because their vehicle doesn't fit in it

The following is from a note posted to the condo's homeowner web message board:

I understand that some of you might find it unfair or selfish that non-disabled people are parking in these spots. However, many of the residents really need those handicapped spots for our guests, since the existing guest parking is woefully inadequate and highly inconvenient (often due to the absence of the concierge at his kiosk when guests arrive). As "Brad" pointed out, these spaces must be designated as handicapped under state and federal law, negating any possbility of them being redesignated for owner parking spots. That said, who is it really hurting if non-handicapped people park there? There are no handicapped residents, and rarely are there handicapped visitors. I think it does everyone a disservice to start policing the handicapped spots that have previously gone unenforced.

My two cents.

Maybe I'm just a royal bitch (well I am but that's not the point) but my first reaction to this was, "cry me a fucking river you spoiled, self-centered, pathetic child." For some reason, it just made me think of a parallel with Americans in general. Is it me or does it seem like America thinks its completely entitled to park in the handicapped spaces of the world? Any country, region, people, etc. deemed lesser or disabled in someway (by American standards of course) is "available" for the taking or the forcing of them to do things "our way."

Maybe I just have this really cynical view of America and Americans in general but after the last election I feel completely at odds with my fellow Americans. I feel somehow part of the fringe and I've not had that experience before. It's certainly unsettling but it tells me that there is a need for some change. I'm wondering how bad things will have to get before everyone wakes up and breaks the spell they're all under. An interesting concept the idea of spells. Sadly, I think they are more alive today than ever before.

That's all. It just bugged me and I needed to get it out of my head. Jeez, I've posted more today than I have in the last month. I guess I've been keeping it all bottled up - this is no good.

On Technology

2005-06-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

You know what I find both amusing and ironic? We have all this incredible technology at work, at home, etc that is supposed to make us more efficient, which I think it generally does. However, many IT departments now dissallow certain types of files to come through the firewall because they are often used to transmit computer viruses. Unfortunately, many of these types of files are used regularly as part of our jobs. So now, instead of being able to email files, you are forced to go low-tech. Omigod, can you believe I had to actually request a vendor send me an actual CD because my company won't allow me to download it from their website? Or that I can't send or receive ZIP files so I have to either burn the file onto a CD if it's too big to transmit or I have to send a five different email in order to send the five files I need to actually send.

It's so funny because one of the main funcations of a computer is to store documents in a more efficient and permanent manner than just paper. But now, as a result of computer viruses, we're having to go back to paper in some instances.

Granted this is not really a huge deal or anything but it does have a bit of truth to it and it was in my head yesterday.

Did you understand all that?

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith OR Anakin Skywalker is a Big Whiney Baby

2005-05-24T18:41:00.000-07:00

OR Hayden Christensen S-U-U-U-C-K-S

Yeah, it took another George Lucas "epic" to get me back to my blog. I have a life . . . bite me.

Maybe I'm being too hard on Hayden, I've heard he was good in some other movie he did (no, I don't know which one it was and it's not important enough for me to even bother going over to imdb to look it up) but damn he was such a petulant child, it was fuckin' annoying. Come to think of it, Natalie Portman seemed kind of cheesy and trite as well and I've actually enjoyed her in other movies she's done (Garden State for example).

Maybe the real problem is that I'm not placing the blame in the right place. Maybe Hayden did the best he could under the circumstances. Maybe the REAL stinker is George Lucas! Yeah! I think that's it, George Lucas B-L-O-W-S. I think George blew his wad on Episodes IV - VI and it's really been a downhill slide from there.

Or maybe Hayden is so bad he just brings everyone around him into his stinking pit of despair and they all end up looking lame.

Damn, I'm harsh today. I think it's because of work. I hate it when servers crash and the IT department says, "Oh, no, we weren't backing that server up. You mean you had something on there we needed to back up?" WTF?! What, exactly, are we paying you shitty asses for anyway? Christ on a fucking crutch! Ah, well. I can't change it so I need to just have another drink and get over it.

So, back to Hayden and his abysmal acting . . .

Overall, I was entertained by Episode III - the effects were cool (as usual) and some of the light-saber battles were pretty good - I just love Ewan McGregor, what he did to Anakin on that lava planet was brutal - but there were a lot of things that were a bit too, I don't know, stupid. Below is my quick list of things George should have paid a bit more attention to.

Life on Tatooine must be pretty rough because our dear Obi-Wan aged about 35 years in the 20 years between when he dropped baby Luke off in Episode III and when adult Luke went looking for him in Episode IV.
The same goes for Luke's aunt and uncle - they look about 20 themselves in Episode III and 55 or 60 in Episode IV.
The Jedi can sense someone's presence on a planet from space but they can't sense that the clones standing next to them are about to shoot them in the back? Only Yoda managed to figure that one out in time.
Continuity! Anakin's hand was very much present in one of the scenes where he's pulling his hood up. I think it was on the lava planet when he's walking from the landing site into the building.

That's all I can think of right this second because I'm too drunk to remember anything else that bugged me. Of course I'll have to go see it again because I spent so much time trying to pay attention to the story that I probably missed some of the cool effects. That means I'll have to sit through Hayden's whining AGAIN but I guess it's worth it. I'll go to a matinee so I don't feel so bent over.

And another thing! Actually, I forgot what I was going to write. I think it was about Star Wars but that's not a guarantee. I need another goddamn drink!

P.S. Due to technical difficulties, this is being posted way late. Love computers.

Bill Maher Kicks Ass Dude!

2005-03-27T20:22:00.000-08:00

Dammit! You have GOT to love a guy who sits down after his 2 hour set and discusses (after a question from the audience) the 3 generations of vaporizers he has owned and how he now owns a Volcano vaporizer that he absolutely loves.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about . . . vaporizers (in the way I'm mentioning here) allow you to inhale pure THC without the nasty smoke toxins. I can honestly say I have never in my life been as high as the time I smoked off a vaporizer. It was unreal! Quite an experience.

So anyway, I saw Bill Maher last night. He was taping an HBO special and his upcoming comedy DVD. I was really looking forward to this because I don't have HBO anymore so I don't get to see Real Time with Bill Maher. As usual, Bill was brilliant and funny as hell. I miss him, I may have to get HBO back.

On a completely different note, it has been raining for days. I mean like 40 days and nights, doesn't that look like Noah and the Ark floating down the river kind of raining. It's completely crazy. On the one hand, I'm actually very happy about the rain but on the other it's like, "OK, OK, I get it! Enough already!"

You know, I think I had more to say but I can't seem to remember what it is right now. Clearly, not that damn important.

A Very Green Day

2005-03-17T23:10:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I went out tonight. It's St. Patrick's Day and here in Portland that's another excuse for a celebration. Block off the street, throw up a tent, sign a few bands, serve a lot of alcohol and you've got yerself a par-tay! I have to thank my biscuit from IT for dragging my lazy ass out tonight too. I would have languished in front of the TiVo had he not enticed me with promises of music and drink. And don't you know, he came through on both counts!

Of course, now I am doomed to pay the price when my alarm goes off at 5:00am tomorrow morning. What the hell is wrong with me that I get up at that unholy hour of the morning? I have no reasonable explanation other than a new respect for my health. It's something that happens when you hit the 30's I guess. You start actually thinking about the 40's, 50's and beyond and how you want to feel when you get there.

But tonight was a joyous return to youth, albeit with the wisdom of the current age. Since my grammar and spelling are not too bad, I must not be *that* drunk. Don't you love public transportation? Drinking and no driving . . . no problem!

I'm off to bed. Hope you all had as nice an evening as I did - and I suspect a few of you had an even nicer evening that I'll read about tomorrow or next week sometime.

Peace

Perfect Day

2005-03-13T18:16:00.000-08:00

For those of you living outside the Northwest, let me just brag annoyingly about the spectacular weather we're having. Today I spent a good part of my early afternoon reading, writing, and generally lounging in the sun at one of the most incredible places in all of Portland.

This mansion is at the top of a very large hill and its grounds have the most amazing 180 degree view of downtown Portland, the Willamette, and beyond. There is a large lawn area with beautifully flowering shade trees and it is open to the public. I took lunch, a book, my journal and my iPod. A couple of friends met me there and we sunned for a few hours. It was glorious.

My father keeps saying we're going to pay for this nice weather over the summer and I'm sure he's right. But I say live in the moment, enjoy it, revel in it. Deal with the future when it gets here. Besides, that might give me something to bitch about over the summer. Joy!

LOTR: T2 - Scenes Restored!

2005-03-12T13:04:00.000-08:00

This is classic. Kudos to my sista over at Furor Loquendi for getting there first.

There's Vertigo in My Future

2005-03-12T12:30:00.000-08:00

BEHOLD!! I have acquired multiple tickets to the U2 Vertigo Tour passing through my fair city in December of this year. Several of them are not really good seats but that becomes kind of relative once it sells out. I did manage to find 1 golden ticket in (clouds part, golden light filters down from the heavens, angels sing) the 11th row of the first section of seating. I paid $180 for the privilege but hey, it's U2 people. You just hand over the money, say "thank you" and walk away - or close the browser, whatever.

Now the waiting begins. The anticipation. The expectation. The visualization. It's kind of like waiting 9 months to have sex with someone. That's a lot of foreplay, it better be good.

Of course I have no doubt they can deliver the goods. I've been witness to their mastery multiple times. No one makes love to an audience the way Bono does. That voice, that look in his eye, it's all there and you feel the music go through your body. It's incredible and I've never walked away disappointed. I wish I could say that about all the guys I've had sex with.

I guess there is a little bit of that schoolgirl left in me after all.

Fuck Me! Simon LeBon is Hot!

2005-03-11T00:41:00.000-08:00

In that British, pretty-boy kind of way - though if you look strictly at his face, it's not really pretty per se. He's much taller than I thought with long legs and a slimmer waist than I've seen on him in several years. And he projects some powerful mojo on stage (not as much as Bono but honestly, no one works a crowd like Bono). His appeal is *all* about that sexuality. Oh, and that amazing voice! He sounded incredible, it was great!

Now, I realize I'm aging myself as I know at least one person who reads my blog that wasn't even in kindergarten when I was listening to Girls on Film, Planet Earth, Hungry Like the Wolf, Save a Prayer, and of course Rio. However, Duran Duran is part of my Jr. High and teenage years and hearing that music was really so much fun!

Though I never had the kind of all-consuming crush on any of the guys that some of my friends did, I certainly liked them. At the time it seemed like everyone liked them and I had a tendency to puposely not follow the crowd. Instead, I poured all of my teenage mushiness into Bono. It's not as if he wasn't popular as well but not Duran-Duran-Simon-LeBon-John-Taylor-Nick- Rhodes kind of popular. He was at least a little more fringe.

I'm not sure why I never went to see Duran Duran (the original "Fab Five ") when I was younger. I guess I just never got around to it. I'm really happy I had the opportunity to see them tonight. They may be a few years older but they can still kick it up. Oh, and they did one of my favorite songs, "White Lines." Love that song. Not one of theirs originally but they did a great job of it.

So I'm off to bed with visions of Simon firmly planted in my head. Ahh, it's going to be a good night . . .

Blonde Ambition

2005-03-06T12:20:00.000-08:00

Wow, I haven't written anything in nearly a month. It's not that I haven't had anything to say, because I've been journaling. I think it's that what I've wanted to say has been almost too personal to even share with the anonymity of cyberspace. There are so many things happening in my life and I feel like I need to keep it to myself, to keep is just for me, to keep it special in some way.

I've made some big changes lately. Really good ones but they're taking me down a path I've tried to walk so many times and I've never really been successful. It's a lot of work and it's taking over my life . . . but in a good way. I'm actually really happy right now and everything is going really well. This makes for boring blogging because who wants to hear little Mary Sunshine wax poetic about how fabulous her life is? I promise, I'll find something to be snarky about soon. Until then, I think I'll talk about my hair.

There is something symbolic and cathartic about cutting your hair, especially if it's been long for a while. Women know this. Some men know it as well. I think there is a sort of power in hair, though I don't think that means you lose it when you cut it off. Quite the opposite, I think it can be liberating and rejuvenating. I know it has been for me.

I find it interesting that I had the urge to cut my hair just as I began all the changes I mentioned above. I suppose I could be reading something into nothing but I am someone who believes in the idea that such "coincidences" really aren't coincidental. Fortunately for me, I feel as though the Universe is conspiring to assist me in my endeavors, which I thoroughly appreciate.

Now I'm sure there are those who would say, "you're nuts! You're reading all that into an urge to cut your hair?" Well, not really. It's more than that but the hair thing is kind of symbolic and since it's my reality I've living in, I choose to believe it. It's working for me so I'm kind of going with it. As I said, I'm really happy right now so I must be doing something right. Here's to my adventure, I can't wait to see what happens.

Adventures in Butt-Plugging

2005-02-16T22:15:00.000-08:00

You know, every once in a while you hear a story and you just have to share it with the people. Such was the case this evening. I had dinner with a couple of friends as I do every week and we were talking about some of our more adventurous moments. My friend busts out with, "Oh my God, I had a sex toy inside me for like 6 months and didn't even know it." Of course I had to hear this so she starts telling the story.

She says she had a butt plug stuck inside of her and didn't know. Now I'm thinking the only person who might actually have that happen is Mr. Slave from Southpark (reference the Paris Hilton is a Skanky Whore episode). Anyone else would likely notice it - I mean, how would you go to the bathroom with that thing stuck up your ass?

Anyway, she said she and her boyfriend were totally drunk off their 21 year-old asses and decided to whip out the butt plug for a bit o' fun. So they popped that baby in and proceeded to have sex. The next morning she couldn't find the toy anywhere in the house and became completely terrified that it was lodged in her intestine.

She went to several doctors who shoved fingers and multiple implements up her ass in search of this disappearing butt plug. They all assured her that it was nowhere to be found, she could relax, her colon and intestine were butt plug-free.

Some months later she goes in for her annual gynecological visit and her doctor says to her, "I think you have a tampon stuck inside your vagina." She thinks, oh shit, did I leave one in? (sidenote: this is actually a relatively dangerous thing to do as it can cause some serious infections) So the doctor pulls out what she thinks is the tampon and viola! it's the missing butt plug!!

Apparently, she and her boyfriend were so drunk they inserted the butt plug into the wrong orifice. A common mistake, I'm sure. She said the worst part was all the doctor bills that went to her parents house with charges for anal probes. Her mother asked her why she was getting all of these doctor bills for anal probes and was she OK. She ended up telling her mother the whole story! I think I would tell my mother almost anything other than the truth on that one. My mom's cool and all but there are just some things you do not tell your parents. Accidentally putting a butt plug up your cooch instead of your ass and leaving it there for 6 months until your gyno finds it during a routine exam is absolutely on that list. But maybe that's just me.

Blame Canada

2005-02-07T19:43:00.000-08:00

I just can't help being tickled by this snippet of Ann "Rabid-Chihuahua" Coulter getting her "facts" corrected for her. Jesus H. Christ woman, would you please EAT A FUCKING SANDWICH OR SOMETHING! Your Skeletor face is scaring the children - not to mention the garbage that comes out of your mouth. Maybe if she ate more often she wouldn't be so cranky. Or maybe she needs to get laid. Damn, there has to be some poor fool willing to bone her for the good of the rest of us. Get on it would you? I can't listen to her high-pitched yipping for much longer.

And this piece of Bill "I-can-yell-louder-than-you-so-therefore-I-am-right- and-besides-it's-my-show-anyway-so-there" O'Reilly just making it up as he goes along. Silly, silly peasants. Who needs facts when you can just make up the truth you want. Wasn't that an X-Files episode? Or maybe a whole season?

Wow, I'm a bit brutal today. Maybe *I* need to eat something or get laid. Well, definitely the later, always that. Where's that hookah?!

Won't You Be My Hookah?

2005-02-06T13:33:00.000-08:00

Fortunately for me, my parents (all of them) have provided some of the most amusing moments of my life. I have laughed at things they have said or done more than almost anyone else - well, except for maybe Jon Stewart (he is my current hero).

So, picture this . . . I'm in a shop with my Mom and we're just looking around. This place has the most beautiful things from Italy, France, and elsewhere in Europe; really beautiful home furnishings. Also really expensive. So we're looking at the sale table and sitting smack in the middle, rising above everything else like some prop from Alice in Wonderland, is this truly beautiful hookah. It's really a piece of art with green glass and gold etchings.

So I'm thinking maybe I need to buy it when my Mom exclaims, "That's beautiful! What is it?!" I tell her it's a hookah. "A what?" A hookah. "Maybe I should buy it for the condo. It would look good in there don't you think?" Yes, I think it would be lovely!

{Break}

I happen to own a condo in the same building. Mom's condo is a vacation spot for them so it's empty most of the time. I caretake. :-)

{Return}

"What is this long tube sticking out of it? What do you do with it?" Well, Mom, I think stepdad would probably know (stepdad is a *true* child of the sixties). "Ooohhh, I think I know what it is. I think I'm going to buy it, it's 60% off."

So Mom buys the hookah. Which is really convenient for me because I didn't have to put the money out but I still get to "enjoy" it, so to speak. I did kind of explain to her how it works and all, it was pretty funny. There were a few looks of, "why do you know so much about this" but I just ignored them.

In the end, she finds it pretty amusing as well and giggles as if she's done something slightly naughty. I told her she was close to the last person I ever expected would buy a hookah. She really loves it though, thinks it's this great decorator item that makes the place look more exotic. Well, that's certainly one way to look at it.

Teeming Throngs of Drunken Hedonists

2005-02-03T01:05:00.000-08:00

I love the smell of Mardi Gras in the morning. Actually, I imagine the reality of the smell of Mardi Gras in the morning is not all that pleasant. But it's a good opening line.

Being a fan of the hedonism myself, it is surprising that I've never actually been to Mardi Gras. I always meant to go and never quite got around to it (yet). I have, however, visited the fair host city on multiple occasions and found it to be one of my favorite places.

The Big Easy is just that, easy . . . all the time. Easy drinking, easy smoking, easy access to fabulous food, easy to hear great music while walking down Bourbon St., easy to get complete strangers to do remarkable things for cheap plastic beads made in China, easy (and extremely entertaining) people watching, and best of all, easy sex everywhere you look.

As far as I can tell, it doesn't really matter when you go there, it's a little slice of Mardi Gras all year round. That's what I love about it. People leave their inhibitions at the door and the rationalization becomes that they were in "this place" where you drink in the streets and bare your body for beads. It's a great lab experiment that continues to produce consistent results: Bourbon St. + alcohol - inhibitions = SEX. That's science man! And I have the experiential evidence to back it up.

His name started with an "S" and that's about the best I can do on that. Scott, Shawn, something with an "S." He had the most beautiful mouth and a shaved head and kept saying wonderful things about my "skillz." We were both there for different conferences. We found each other around 1:30am and were back at my hotel by 2:30 - the memory of it still makes me smile. I don't remember what time he left but I do remember I had to get up and teach a class at the conference the next morning. It was painful. And I would do it again, no question.

That trip lasted 7 days and I swear I drank more in those 7 days than I drank in a whole semester of college. When I got home I stopped drinking completely for at least a month. I can't wait to go back there, I love that town.

Le Bon Temps!

Dik-Dik Jokes

2005-01-31T23:07:00.000-08:00

Bob Harris is just brilliant. Check out this excellent commentary.

But when a dik-dik isn't grooming their fur, shining their trotters, or simply practicing their butt-wiggle (which often gets them surprisingly far in life), you can usually find them plunked down at the nearest body of water, simply gazing emptily at their own reflection so intently they might not even notice you said hello.

They want to be liked is all, and if they notice you enough to like you, they sometimes make pretty good friends, even. It's just that they don't tend to think very deeply about things, and there's a fair chance they'll never have to.

And that's the rub isn't it - the complete annoyance that they'll never have to think very deeply because there will always be 5,000 people more than willing to do the thinking for them.

Then again, I think I'd rather slit my wrists than be that utterly useless.

Can I Get an Amen!

2005-01-29T21:15:00.000-08:00

Mind altering substances are so very nice. I like several of them but others terrify me and I don't get near them. I think the only way to successfully navigate such substances without becoming addicted is to be somewhat judicious with them. Of course, like everything else, you go through stages of something close to abuse and then you back way off and stay away from it. But to get back to my original point, mind altering substances are really great. I think I'll go have some more.

Beyond Orwell

2005-01-17T19:03:00.000-08:00

I read an article today that troubled me greatly (when am I NOT troubled greatly these days?). It was in a magazine that was printed on paper and everything - I didn't even need a computer to read it!

But seriously . . .

The magazine is called Utne and I first saw it at my Acupunturist's office. I flipped through it a couple of times while waiting for my appointment and it looked pretty good so I bought a copy to read at home.

The article, titled Microsized Surveillance, is about RFID or Radio Frequency Identification. By the name you can basically guess what this is all about - crumb-sized microprocessors encoded with data (called "tags") that can be scanned using a wireless device.

According to the article, WalMart, in conjunction with Procter & Gamble, has already used these tags to trigger hidden webcams. When shoppers lifted a container of lipstick, their image was broadcast to a P&G research facility.

If that gives you the creeps too then it will likely disturb you to hear that the FDA recently approved an RFID implant the size of a grain of rice that contains emergency health data. Kind of like the implants they have for dogs so that if the dog is lost, the owner can be contacted. Except in this version, you're the dog and you could be tracked everywhere you go, everything you pickup in a store, everything you buy, eventually everything you own would be tagged (which would make shopping much easier for burglars).

Just imagine what the Department of Homland Security wants to do with this. According to the article, they've already invested $4 million in the technology.

It's not that I didn't know this stuff existed - I know Big Brother is already tracking all of us more that we really want to think about - but has it really come to this? I honestly didn't think it would come to this in my lifetime. I guess that's pretty PollyAnna of me but I make a real effort not to dwell in the negative (despite my rantings on this blog).

I feel like the more I learn the more depressed I get. It really is true that ignorance is bliss, it's so much easier to be a sheep and eat all the shit they shovel into our collective consciousness. The less you know the easier it is to simply go on with your life as if everything is just fine and George & Dick are taking care of us and they're getting the "bad men" and don't worry your pretty little head.

WAR IS PEACE

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY

IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

By the way, you can't see the whole article online for free but you can buy it for $2.95 - or you could just buy the whole magazine for $5 at your local Whole Foods (or other similar type store).

Stunned Silence

2005-01-15T22:07:00.000-08:00

I'm truly speechless . . .

President Bush said the public's decision to reelect him was a ratification of his approach toward Iraq and that there was no reason to hold any administration officials accountable for mistakes or misjudgments in prewar planning or managing the violent aftermath.
"We had an accountability moment, and that's called the 2004 elections," Bush said in an interview with The Washington Post. "The American people listened to different assessments made about what was taking place in Iraq, and they looked at the two candidates, and chose me."

Then there's this brilliant display of oratorical fireworks . . .

"By providing security, hopefully that will provide comfort to people who are coming from all around the country to come and stay in the hotels in Washington and to be able to watch the different festivities in Washington, and eat the food in Washington," Bush said.

It's entirely possible that I will need to be intoxicated for the next 4 years so that I don't end up in a padded cell mumbling incoherently about how this moronic monkey could have possibly been re-elected. Or maybe I'll turn into Rain Woman (just without that whole mathematical genius bit) and walk around saying, "I'm an excellent driver . . . an excellent driver."

I cannot believe what has taken place in this country. It is truly heartbreaking.

You can read the rest of this very sad article here.

Ice Storm

2005-01-15T21:24:00.000-08:00

For those of you playing the home game, it's freezing here in areas of the Northwest. Not freezing as in a bit chilly outside, no that doesn't remotely cover it. I'm talking holding on for dear life as you go down the stairs because everything is covered in an inch of ice, driving 5 miles per hour so you don't slide off the road, ice skating down the sidewalk so you don't fall on your ass freezing. The rain is ice before it even hits the ground.

I am moderately unprepared for this weather having moved from the lovely state immediately to the south that is known for sun and beaches. I have no chains for my tires and I'm using a coat that, though full length, really isn't an icy weather kind of garment. It's serviceable and a lot better than nothing but it's not wool or some other NASA-invented fiber that's superthin but will keep you warm in -30 temperatures.

As per usual, it takes an extreme circumstance for me to learn my lesson. I need to buy chains and carry them during the winter - even if I never go to the snow. I need to purchase some decent outerwear so that I don't freeze my adorable ass off. I need a new pair of gloves because mine are at least 7 years old and are ripped in multiple places.

Thankfully I've had my TiVo to keep me entertained and my heater to keep me warm. That's a hell of a lot more than I'm sure many of the homeless in this town have had today. It's supposed to start warming up around midnight (which I find odd) and be in the 40's tomorrow. Not warm but warm enough to start melting that ice on the roads. I'll take it!

Brilliant Humor

2005-01-14T19:15:00.000-08:00

If you are not acquainted with Cintra Wilson you have been deprived of one of the greater pleasures in life. Reading her work is like fine wine for the brain and I never get tired of her. Please allow me to provide you with a short introduction.

I became a Cintra fan back in 1995 or so when a friend turned me on to her column at Salon. After that I was completely hooked. I couldn't wait for her new column each week and became thoroughly depressed when she seemed to stop posting. I found out later that she had written a book: A Massive Swelling: Celebrity Re-examined as a Grotesque, Crippling Disease and Other Cultural Revelations. It remains one of my very favorite books to this day (I can't believe I forgot to add it to my Favorites list, I'll have to fix that).

Kudos to my precious Queen of All at Furor Loquendi for reminding me of this fantastic column Cintra did about the Brad and Jennifer wedding. I believe you can still find archives of Cintra's older work as well if you're interested. Enjoy!

Update: A Massive Swelling WAS listed on my Favorites list but wasn't showing up in my profile. Ha! I knew I wouldn't forget Cintra

Are You Sure We're Related?

2005-01-10T18:13:00.000-08:00

I found out something truly horrific the other day. A member of my immediate family (who shall remain nameless) actually sent a CHRISTMAS CARD to President Bush and the First Lady*.

Just sit with that for a moment. Mull it over like a big swig of Thunderbird or Mad Dog 20/20.

Holy-Jesus-Fucking-Christ-on-a-Cracker! What do you say to that? "Who the hell are you? How can we possibly be related? Have you had a recent head injury?"

I don't really know what else to say, that kind of covers it. Now I'm just trying to determine how to interact with this person as if I'd never heard it because I think it would be best if I just pretend it didn't happen. It would be better for both of us if I could do that.

*you know her, the woman who stands quietly and demurely at her husband's side, just like she's been trained to, looking at him adoringly and never really having her own opinion about anything.

Another Bitch-Slapping for Tucker

2005-01-06T20:08:00.000-08:00

Apparently, CNN and Tucker Carlson have decided to part company. I'm thrilled! Though I'm sure he'll end up slinging his trash on some other crappy Fox wannabe. Is it just me or do most of us want to see that ridiculous bow tie shoved down his throat? Maybe then he would SHUT THE FUCK UP!

The new president of CNN, Jonathan Klein, dug Jon Stewart's wonderfully gutsy comments on "Crossfire" -

Mr. Klein said last night, "I agree wholeheartedly with Jon Stewart's overall premise." He said he believed that especially after the terror attacks on 9/11, viewers are interested in information, not opinion.

Maybe there is hope for them after all.

I Left My Heart in San Francisco

2005-01-06T19:08:00.000-08:00

I miss San Francisco. It's not that I don't love where I live now, the Northwest is actually really beautiful and has some truly great bonuses that I thoroughly appreciate. But I still miss San Francisco.

I think what I miss most is the people. My friends of course, I miss them daily. But in general, there are a lot of techno-geek types in the Bay Area. When you say to someone, "guess what I bought myself for Christmas! The Star Wars trilogy on DVD and an iPod!" they get it. They don't look at you with a blank stare like they have no idea what an iPod is and don't understand why you're so excited about some old movies they saw as kids.

Granted, there are a few I know who appreciate such things. It's not like the Northwest is devoid of technologically savvy individuals, I just don't work with many of them and since I'm so new here, I don't know many of them yet either. I'm so starved for intellectual intercourse that I find myself feeling very disconnected.

Of course I just spent several days in San Francisco with my favorite people over the New Year. It was so wonderful, I didn't want to leave. Not to mention the scenery was as lovely as ever. And I'm not talking about the coast, though it was beautiful as well.

Maybe I just need to get out and find ways to meet new people. I'm actually kind of shy about meeting new people. This would surprise my friends I'm sure but initially, I'm kind of cautious when meeting someone new.

OK, I'm going to stop whining now. I just need to get the hell out of my house and meet some damn people. I'm fun dammit, who wouldn't want to hang out with me! [she says as she tosses her mane] That's pure Leo for you . . .

So This is the Day After Christmas

2004-12-26T17:52:00.000-08:00

A truly decadent day, I must say. I watched ROTK: EE with the Cast Commentary, which took up half the day. Of course I've seen the "real" extended edition, I watched it the day after I got the DVD in the mail. I've watched all of the special features on disc 4 but haven't watched any of disc 3 yet. I cried like a baby watching the special features (so pathetic really).

I watched Shrek 2 after ROTK. Hadn't seen it yet. Liked it a lot. I really loved Puss in Boots, too funny. And Jennifer Saunders (of the most excellent AbFab) was perfect as the twisted Fairy Godmother. In some ways, it really was better than the first movie.

Next I'm going to watch Dodgeball. I've received many endorsements for this movie, everyone says it's really funny. Given the people I've heard this from, I'm expecting good things.

My goal for today is to do absolutely nothing productive. So far, I'm succeeding admirably.

What Kamikaze Mission?

2004-12-21T21:07:00.000-08:00

So, like, here's the deal. It's just one weekend a month and a couple of weeks in the summer. Really, we swear. That's it, truly.

What about all the people being recalled into service after having been out for years - some as many as 20 years?

Oh . . . well . . . um . . . OK, it might be a little more than a weekend a month and a couple of weeks in the summer.

Just how much more exactly?

Well, we really don't know for sure but probably not more than a year.

A year! A year where?

Um . . . Iraq.

Are you f$$king kidding me?! You want me to go over to that complete cluster f$$k for a year? I probably won't live a month! No f$$king way!

But you'll be serving your country! Don't you want to be a hero?

What about the children of all those politicians who got us into this quagmire in the first place? How about they go and serve their country? Go farm them for a while. See how hot they all are on this ridiculous war when their sons and daughters start dying in the desert.

But . . . but . . .

But nothing! I am not volunteering for a kamikaze mission just because you morons completely underestimated the true dangers and complications of what it would take to win this war and then stabalize the country.

That's so unpatriotic! How can you support the terrorists like that after 9/11? 3,000 Americans died, or maybe you've forgotten. Do you go to church? Oh, no of course you don't. You're one of those Godless heathens. You probably practice one of those "alternative lifestyles." Well, we don't need "your kind" fighting for the USofA. You can go back to your life of sin and enjoy the freedom you have to live as you choose.

Great, so that means I can marry my lover and have all of the legal rights other married couples have?

Step Away from the Pizza!!

2004-12-17T22:32:00.000-08:00

Despite the self-incrimination implicit in this anecdote, I feel the need to share it. Things of such tragedy and humor are generally easier to mentally metabolize when shared with others. Rather like comedians who share pathetic stories from their past so that others may laugh. They are somehow healed in the telling and others feel better about themselves knowing that, "at least I'm not as pathetic as that one." It's a win-win situation.

Anyway . . .

I felt the desire to be supremely lazy again this evening and not cook for myself - you would be surprised how often this happens. It's Friday, it's been a long week, and there's no food in the house to speak of. Given those factors, pizza was sounding particularly delightful as a dinner entree.

I ordered the appropriate size and threw in a 2 liter bottle of soda - because really, who doesn't need a 2 liter bottle of sugar-water. I inquired about any dessert options they might have (because the 2 liter bottle of sugar wasn't enough) to which they answered none. Just pizza, salad, buffalo wings, etc. No problem, see you in half an hour.

So the pizza guy arrives and sitting atop the pizza box is a lovely box of chocolate-covered macadamia nuts. Score! He says they are for me, he and his wife bought them for their neighbor but I could have them. When I tried to pay him he said it was a Christmas gift.

Now this was really a sweet gesture and I was truly touched by his kindness. However, I think that when the pizza guy gives you a Christmas gift it's time to re-evaluate your relationship with pizza. Maybe even time to stop with the pizza for a while.

I've never received a Christmas gift, or any gift for that matter, from a food delivery person of any kind. Perhaps this is a flashing neon sign that I'm eating too much pizza for my own good. I imagine both my heart and my ass will agree on this one. Time to step away from the pizza. Alas, I will miss thee . . .

Jesusland Strikes Again!

2004-12-12T21:30:00.000-08:00

So I actually have a fair amount of family that resides in the middle of the country - also known as Jesusland. Granted most of them were born and raised and are still there. Most have never been outside of their own state and almost all have never been outside of the U.S.

They read their local paper and watch Fox News. At least one of them has a gun arsenal that could probably outfit the Army. They talk about God, church, and the Bible . . . a lot. They use curse words like, "darnnit," "holy crud," "jeepers," and "flippin'." All of them voted for Bush.

However, a few of them were raised in California for 10 - 14 years before they were forced into intellectual slavery. They even moved back to California several years later. But one of them actually moved back to Jesusland after that and has now been assimilated by the Midwest (a.k.a. The Borg).

My mother informed me today that my cousin has become a devout Lutheran and now believes that everyone is going to hell unless they accept Jesus Christ as the son of God.

Holy Mary, mother of you-know-who. Dude, what the fuck?

He clearly fought bravely for many years but in the end, the Midwest was able to get their claws into him and he lost the battle. Maybe someday he can break free and escape the mental prison he's been thrown into. I'd like to be more positive about this but I really don't have much hope. Once the Midwest gets ahold of you, it's hard to recover.

Someone Else's Shoes

2004-12-11T13:31:00.000-08:00

While looking through old video tapes in search of an empty one to offload some TiVo, I found my tape of the "America: A Tribute to Heroes" telethon that aired 10 days after 9/11. As I watched I remembered how I felt at the time - stunned, sad, angry, helpless, vengeful. And I cried.

I cried remembering September 11th. I cried thinking of the people who were lost and those they left behind. I cried thinking about how united people were then and how divided we are now. I cried thinking about how the world came together and mourned with us and how BushCo has completely obliterated that good will. I cried thinking about what has taken place in this country and in Iraq since then and how the 9/11 tragedy has been used by this administration in a way that is unspeakably shameful.

I wonder, though, who in this country is crying for the more than 14,000 Iraqi civilians killed since BushCo knowingly turned their focus away from the terrorists actually responsible for 9/11 to invade a country that had nothing to do with it? Who is holding a telethon for the surviving members of their families? Who is rebuilding the devastation that has destroyed their homes and ravaged their country (Oh, right, that would be Halliburton)? Do they feel stunned, sad, angry, helpless, and vengeful? Would you blame them if they did? Would you blame their children if they grew up hating Americans? From your beautiful home, with all your "necessities" of life, can you imagine what it might be like to live in their world? Do you even care?

Giving Thanks

2004-11-25T13:29:00.000-08:00

In response to the sorryeverybody.com website, some "wanderers of the world outside the US" have created this site. As someone who has obviously been very unhappy about the election result, I thank them for their understanding. My hope is being restored . . . slowly.

One Ring to Rule Them All

2004-11-23T22:20:00.000-08:00

Well folks, the Northwest Babe has been deeply troubled since The Election. There have been altered states nearly every evening and a trip to Las Vegas to try and forget what nearly 30% of the "voting eligible" American Public did on November 2nd. If they actually understood what they did, they would be altered too.

Everytime I sat down to write anything over the last few weeks I came up empty. Not knowing exactly what to say or knowing what to say but struggling with where to begin. There is a wonderfully amazing website where people feeling as I am are expressing their sentiments. Worth a viewing if you're interested.

For some reason I've found myself thinking of the same thing since the election:

One ring to rule them all
One ring to find them
One ring to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them
~JRR Tolkien, "Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring"

I feel like America has chosen to keep the ring of power with its fear, cruelty, hate, and malice. It's not just about the re-election of George W. Bush, it's about the votes to ban gay marraige (and in some cases, the right to civil union), the complete domination of the Republicans in the House, Senate, and White House. It's about the fact that Bush will definitely be appointing at least one Supreme Court Justice, most likely more.

It's frustrating and downright maddening! I really thought people were beginning to understand what was really going on here. I was so terribly wrong and I think that's part of what bothers me so much.

Do Americans really want to be represented to the rest of the world by BushCo? Do we really want to support a leader who tells us that meaningful consideration of and questions about his decisions makes us unpatriotic? Apparently I'm living under a complete fallacy because I thought that's what a democratic society was all about - the right and the responsibility to question leaders when you believe they might be rushing into a decision without the facts or when you believe they are making decisions that will ultimately damage the country in some way.

Yet at the same time, I truly believe that this outcome must be necessary for some reason. The pendulum has swung so decidedly to the right that it is burried somewhere over there in Jesusland. I'm a bit curious of how far it will have to go before people finally wake-up and say, "Ohhhh, I understand now." Unfortunately, I don't have much confidence that it will happen before our credit with the global community, financially and otherwise, is completely obliterated (not that that hasn't happened already IMHO).

Before I turn this into an even longer bitch-fest about the idiots I share a country with, I better close it down. I want to wholeheartedly thank Laziest Girl for virtually dragging my dead ass off the couch - thank you for motivating me to get back to it, if I was smart I would have realized that writing is therapeutic.

I Just Can't Look

2004-11-02T22:07:00.000-08:00

I'm going to bed. It doesn't look good out there at the moment, they're saying Bush won Florida and Ohio. If the people of this country actually re-elect President Bush . . .

Waldo Speaks

2004-10-30T11:38:00.000-07:00

So Osama bin Laden just couldn't help himself, he had to say something about the upcoming election. I know how he feels, I usually can't help myself either when it comes to the forthcoming fiasco of next Tuesday.

After viewing the video, President Bush was quoted as saying, "Americans will not be intimidated" by bin Laden. Can't you just envision the petulant child stomping his foot and saying (with full-on pouty lip), "that's OUR job, darnit!"

I think he's jealous that bin Laden is stealing his thunder. Here BushCo has been working for years at intimidating Americans and now bin Laden comes along right before the election and tries to do a better job of it. That's got to be terribly frustrating.

Poor Dubya, it's really hard being President.

Cognitive Dissonance or Moronic Ineptitude?

2004-10-22T21:55:00.000-07:00

Asked whether the US should have gone to war with Iraq if US intelligence had concluded that Iraq was not making WMD or providing support to al Qaeda, 58% of Bush supporters said the US should not have, and 61% assume that in this case the President would not have. Kull continues, "To support the president and to accept that he took the US to war based on mistaken assumptions likely creates substantial cognitive dissonance, and leads Bush supporters to suppress awareness of unsettling information about prewar Iraq."

Hellblazer gets credit for turning me on to this stunning collection of statistics detailing the extent to which most Bush supporters are severely deluded.

Sadly, I actually know at least a few Bush supporters and to my supreme amazement, they are generally intelligent people. They're caring people who are good at their job, can hold a conversation, even exchange moderately witty banter on occasion. So what the hell are they doing supporting Bush?

I have theories but certainly not the answer. If you figure it out, please let me know. Thanks.

Bono Vox

2004-10-20T21:41:00.000-07:00

I've just spent an evening with Bono and am still flush with the afterglow of a most amazing experience. You know, that man does the most impressive things with his mouth. Whether singing with the boys or speaking on debt, AIDS, and trade in Africa, his mouth is working hard in all the right ways.

I've seen him in concert with U2 many times and always come away satisfied but tonight he was inspiring in an entirely different manner. He's not some dumb rock star who likes to hear himself talk. I mean, in all honestly, he might like to hear himself talk but sometimes I like to hear myself talk too (thus this blog) so I'll cut him some slack on that one.

So, he's not some dumb rock star, he knows his shit and he speaks intelligently in a way that tells you he's done his homework and he's actually thought about what he's saying. And he's funny and sweet and silly and completely endearing. As much as I absolutely loved him before, I love him that much more now.

Happily, he reminded us all that the next time he saw us he'd have a band behind him. Oh yeah, that's gonna be good. I can't wait!!

Do You Get It Yet?

2004-10-19T17:34:00.000-07:00

Think your vote doesn't count? Think it won't really matter who gets elected in a couple of weeks? Well, here's a nice big heaping buttload-full of reality for you. If Oprah is joining the smackdown, it's damn serious ladies. We cannot afford to sit this one out.

V O T E damnit!!

. . . And Another Thing

2004-10-18T23:27:00.000-07:00

Men suck.

Well, all men except Jon Stewart.

Tucker Gets Spanked

2004-10-18T23:19:00.000-07:00

. . . by a smarter, funnier, much better looking guy.

I will say it again, Jon Stewart is freaking brilliant! And darn sexy too!

TiVo Junkie Gets Her Fix

2004-10-16T17:07:00.000-07:00

I have been without my TiVo since March and it has been painful every single day. There is no getting used to the withdrawl from TiVo once you are addicted. Every commercial you are forced to watch is torturous.

Well, I've got my TiVo back now and I am in a state of euphoria. Floating along in a sea of BBC America, IFC, Bravo, and Comedy Central with no mind-numbing commercials in sight. I'm positively giddy!

And tonight I get to go see LOTR:ROTK in a real theatre. What an excellent day!

Yummy on Wry

2004-10-12T18:17:00.000-07:00

I've been a devoted "The Daily Show" watcher for years and it just tickles me silly to see Jon baby getting his just desserts. He's smart, sexy, funny, and thoroughly enjoyable to look at. It may be a function of my age (again, spinster here) but I would rate Jon much higher than a 4 sans humor.

Or maybe I just have lower standards.

No matter! We L O V E Jon and his brilliant snarky show! It's nice to see awards going to people who actually deserve it for a change.

I have to say though, fan fiction of an actual person, not a fictional character? A little scary. The line between "fan" and "stalker" maybe gettin' a little fuzzy there. I'm just sayin' . . .

Must . . . Have . . . Brains!

2004-10-11T22:14:00.000-07:00

After a long hard day at work, there's nothing like watching someone brain the hell out of a bunch of zombies to lift your spirits.

Just went to see Shaun of the Dead and it was damn funny. I found myself laughing alone occasionally but that happens to me all the time in movies, the lone cackler.

I think I'll be needing to see it again to get the "second round" of jokes I missed the first time because I was laughing. I won't give it all away or tell you all the jokes, just go see it, you'll laugh.

Men of LOTR

2004-10-09T01:49:00.000-07:00

Fortunately for me, a theatre near my house is showing the full trilogy over 3 weekends. Tonight was Two Towers, next week ROTK. I ask you ladies, is there any better fantasy heroic man than Aragorn? And could anyone be more perfect for the part than Viggo Mortensen? I answer, No and No. Now I'm no princess type but someone like Aragorn would definitely make you feel like an Elf Princess.

Granted, Viggo would be at the top of the menu but then Orlando Bloom (Legolas), Karl Urban (Eomer), David Wenham(Faramir), and Craig Parker (Haldir) are a complete buffet of masculinity and would each be a fantastic meal all by themselves. As you can tell, I'm still a little giddy from all that testosterone on screen for 3 hours.

Whew!

Friday Funnies

2004-10-08T17:41:00.000-07:00

Special thanks to Queen of All over at Furor Loquendi for this one. Just watch it. Trust me.

One Good Guy?

2004-10-07T23:35:00.000-07:00

Cruising the Craig's List personals is always amusing, occasionally interesting, and once in a blue moon, fruitful. As a spinster (aka - single woman in my 30's), I've come to the realization that you do not meet men in bars. You meet "guys" in bars, especially in a college town. Now, guys can be entertaining and sometimes even diverting but the whole "bar scene" is so plastic that it just makes me nauseous.

But I digress . . .

I was cruising Craig's List personals, right, and I come across this ad for "One Good Guy." So I open it up and there is this laundry list of questions and if you can't answer "no" to all of them, apparently you're not good enough for him. For example: if you think you have more than 10 pounds to lose, if you drink more than 3 drinks a week, if you have ever said to anybody "all guys want is sex" - so far, he's ruled out just about every woman I know.

After I stopped laughing, I realized this guy doesn't really want a woman, he wants a golden retriever. Some very sweet, affectionate, minimally intelligent creature with no true life experiences of any kind to disturb his delicate equanimity, that will smile at him happily and come when he calls. Or maybe a robot - no emotion, no pre-programming of any kind, just an empty drone that he can program himself. He said no drugs or I would have included women on Prozac.

Is this it? Is this what is out there? To my knowledge, there isn't a human being (male or female) over 10 who doesn't have some baggage about something. Life is messy and sometimes experiences leave a permanent impression, it's what makes us human. Perfection is boring and predictable, it's our flaws that make us interesting. Mr. One Good Guy, you need to get off that high horse or you will continue to find yourself riding alone.

Size Matters

2004-10-06T23:10:00.000-07:00

You know, sometimes a girl just needs a big dick. Yeah, I said it. We care about size. It's not the only thing we care about - after all, we prefer that he know what to do with it as well (but we can always work with those who need a little education).

We appreciate the smaller ones but darnit, sometimes you just need what only a big one can provide. Ladies, you know what I'm sayin'.

OK, that's enough dickin' around, back to our regularly scheduled drivel . . .

The Sad Pathetic Truth

2004-10-05T21:55:00.000-07:00

Dick Cheney sounds more Presidential than Dubya. He just does. He speaks in a more authoritative way and sounds a hell of a lot smarter. However, that does not take away from the fact that every time I see him speak, I expect his head to spin around while he projectile vomits green goo and speaks in tongues. I can't help it, the man just reminds me of a demon-possessed nutcase spewing nonsense.

I love that Edwards continued to blast him with the BS this administration has been putting out there regarding the reason for going to war in Iraq, the "progress' in Iraq and Afghanistan, the inferred connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda, our "success" against Al Qaeda, and so on, and so on. Good him for bringing that stuff up, someone had to call Cheney on it.

I'll find it interesting to see what is said about this debate. I think John Edwards distinguished himself beyond his pretty-boy sweet Southern image tonight. He showed that he's smart and he can go toe-to-toe with Cheney and (IMHO) spank the hell out of him. I liked it. Go John.

Grosse Pointe Blank Rocks!

2004-10-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

No matter how many times I watch this film I enjoy it and I never seem to grow tired of it. I'm sure it has to do with a number of things but I appreciate the soundtrack and the dialogue in particular.

The writing is really wonderful and there are little nuggets of tasty goodness peppered throughout. Just the whole idea of the film is amusing - guy disappears on prom night and shows up at his 10 year reunion having become a professional assassin. I mean, who the hell does that?

Of course John Cusack and Minnie Driver are great (dig the chemistry between them) but the supporting cast is excellent - Alan Arkin, Dan Aykroyd, Hank Azaria, Jeremy Piven, Joan Cusack. I love that there is always a part for Joan in John's movies, she's so good at playing those slightly off characters that make me laugh.

John Cusack has had a pretty great career so far. I don't know that I've seen him in anything where I thought, "dude! what were you thinking?" Most of the time, I enjoy his films and some of them are truly exceptional - High Fidelity is most certainly one of his best and one of my favorites along with Better Off Dead (Two Dollars!!). He's also about my age so I think I feel somehow connected with some of the material he chooses (like Grosse Point Blank) because I identify with it.

All that aside, he's nice to look at as well :)

"It's Hard Work!" ~President George W. Bush

2004-09-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

Well, the first debate is over and the janitors are probably sweeping the floor right now. What did I hear? Apparently George W. Bush wants us all to know what a difficult job it is being President of the United States of America. I started counting the number of times he said it and then lost interest because he said it so many times.

I agree, I think it is a hard job and I think we should give poor George a nice long rest. How about we schedule it to start in January 2005? After all, speech therapy every day to try and learn how to properly pronounce N-U-C-L-E-A-R is exhausting. Not to mention having to remember all the talking points (I swear, if he would have talked about Kerry's "mixed messages" one more time, I might have hurled the TV out the window).

One of the things I noticed was that Bush didn't say anything. He didn't offer any clear plan for cleaning up the MessOPotamia (thanks Jon!). In fact, he isn't even able to admit to any of the obvious mistakes that were made in this whole mess. He just kept rambling on about how Kerry had voted for the war and now he was changing his mind about it. Or how could Kerry possibly lead the war on terror if he thinks the war on Iraq is the "wrong war at the wrong time." "How do you think that makes the troops feel," he asked (multiple times I might add).

Well, George, maybe it makes them feel like someone is finally paying attention? Like someone might have realized that invading Iraq in the way we did was a "colossal mistake." Especially since Iraq had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks on the US. And now we have a complete cluster fuck because we've destabilized the whole area so badly that no one seems to be able to get a handle on it. More soldiers are dying every month, more insurgents are pouring into Iraq, more violence in general is taking place. It's a complete fucking disaster. Yet the President stands there an smiles as if everything is just fine and it's all a raging success because we caught Saddam Hussein.

And where is Osama bin Laden. He's like the fucking "Where's Waldo" of terrorism. I also noticed that the President didn't say a damn word in response to Kerry's assertion that the oil buildings were the only buildings being guarded at the beginning (not the chemical plants). Nor did he respond to the Halliburton comment. Silence is always very telling.

I think my favorite moment was when Kerry reminded everyone of the President saying in one of his responses that the war in Iraq was in response to their attack on the US; when in actuality, Iraq had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11. And also when Kerry brought up exactly what Papa Bush had said years ago about not going into Baghdad. It was an excellent point, one I'm hoping Democratic commentators bring up often.

In general, Bush seemed mostly on the defensive. He never seemed to say anything about what his plan was for anything. He kept throwing out those talking points and that was about all he said. BTW, North Korea is our next utter disaster. Bush blew it by blowing them off and now we may be fucked. I do hope I'm wrong.

We will never truly resolve this global situation (and it IS a GLOBAL situation) without a lot of help from our friends - we cannot possibly do it alone. One of the dangers of being a bully is that if the people you've been bullying ever realize they're not as powerless as they think they are, you're screwed. Because you can't fight everyone at once, no matter how big you are. So here we are, the biggest bully on the block and we're nearly spent just trying to manage the quagmire in Iraq. We are clearly vulnerable and since we've been such bullying assholes, there are several people in line to shove a little humility down our throat. We need to increase our street cred or it will be our undoing. I don't believe the countries of the world will ever accept or believe George W. Bush and as long as he is President, we will be generally on our own (no disrespect to the good people of Palau but they're not exactly in our league when it comes to miltary force).

Of course a Bush supporter probably thinks Bush did an excellent job. That's the way of things I guess. I wonder what people who were truly undecided got out of the debate. They may be the only ones able to be truly objective because they haven't bought the line on either side. In truth, those are the people who will decide this election. I think John Kerry helped himself tonight. I do hope I'm right about that.

Let the Games Begin!

2004-09-30T17:52:00.000-07:00

Here we go boys are girls, the debate starts in just a few minutes. Everyone have their popcorn? Junior Mints? Hot Tamales? Red Vines? Colossal soda? It will probably be quite the show. Let's count the number of mispronunciations together, shall we?

Volcanic Inquietude

2004-09-29T21:46:00.000-07:00

Here in the great northwest we are currently experiencing what they call "Volcanic Unrest." I know this because I received a Notice of Volcanic Unrest memo. Apparently the volume of seismic activity has the super geeks at USGS a wee nervous about our friend Helen. Fair enough, I trust them on this. But it got me to thinking about Volcanic Unrest.

If you look up "unrest," the definition you get care of Merriam-Webster online is: a disturbed uneasy state. I'm not sure what that would mean exactly with respect to a volcano. Why is it disturbed and uneasy? Is it angry? Are you sure it's not just "mildly agitated?" Has it really progressed to a full state of unrest already?

It makes you wonder how they chose the word unrest. Other words they could have used: disquiet, disquietude, ferment, inquietude, restiveness, restlessness, turmoil. Maybe what they think is unrest is really just fermenting or turmoil. Somehow those sound a little less disconcerting than "unrest."

Actually, I've noticed now that we have been upgraded to a Volcanic Advisory since yesterday. Wow, this must be pretty serious if it's now an "Advisory." That's the third of four levels. Guess what level four is . . . *BOOM*

Apparently they are thinking it may only be a "small eruption." This is because the volcano is only emitting a small amount of gas. Well, that's why the volcano is unrested! It has gas! Can't we just throw a little Beano down there or something? Maybe a little TUMS? I think we can resolve this "unrest" situation pretty easily. No need for stress and panic. No need to put people into a state of unrest. Just a volcano-sized roll of TUMS and we'll all be fine.

Shameless

2004-09-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

I have the most ridiculous crush on this guy at work. He's attractive, sexy as hell, older than me (like, by at least 10 years I think), married and an absolutely shameless flirt. He's a total Peter Pan with an abundance of boyish charm that he, fortunately, points in my direction every time we see each other.

The sexiest thing about him is that there's a certain naughtiness that comes across during our interactions. It's not overt, though someone might pick it up if they were watching us and were astute enough to catch it. It's a certain kind of feeling you get about a guy that tells you he's probably really good in bed. The kind of thing that inspires fantasies of making out with him for hours. A man who understands that sex goes far beyond "insert tab A into slotB . . . repeat."

So, what do I do with this guy? Well, I shamelessly flirt right back. It's doing wonders for my ego and thankfully I don't see him all the time because it could be trouble if I did. Not that I haven't played with married men before but they were just about sex and didn't really mean anything. I like this guy and we work closely enough that it would be a bad idea to get involved beyond our little tete-a-tete's. He sure is great fantasy fodder though . . .

Sex and the City

2004-09-27T23:06:00.000-07:00

I've been rewatching the series from the beginning and I'm again being reminded of what a truly exceptional show it was. I knew that when I watched it the first time but I'm enjoying it even more in the rewatching of it. It's like a very comfortable meeting of old friends where you pick up exactly where you left off with no strange readjustment period.

Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte represent such a diverse section of personalities that everyone can kind of find someone to identify with. Of course, lots of us would love to be Samantha, but few actually are. In many ways, Samantha is an icon of female sexuality. She's comfortable with herself, she doesn't apologize for her sexual appetites or experiences, and she's remarkably uninhibited. Her freedom and her confidence inspire me to be more comfortable in my own sexuality (though I have a lot of therapy left before I'm really there).

And there's Mr. Big *swoon*. Chris Noth is just the most delicious dish, I could eat him with hot fudge, whipped cream, nuts and a cherry on top (and I don't really even like cherries). Now, Big is a total bastard, though he redeems himself in the end (he had to or the fans would have rioted in the streets of New York). What is it about those total bastard guys that is so irresistible that we are the proverbial moth to the flame? It's the sex, baby.

You always have hot sex with those bastard guys. They aren't into the prim and proper very clean and sweet sex. No. These are the guys you have nasty, "I can't believe I just did that but ohmigod it was fucking amazing!" kind of sex. They go right through you and you feel like you've been drugged or something. And, in actuality, you *have* been drugged (I'll not get into the whole endorphin cocktail rush of pseudo-opiates that the human body floods the system with during such activities but suffice it to say, it would have an outrageous street price). That high is addicting and we completely lose our ability to see logic and reason until one day we find ourselves watching the phone, praying for him to call. And if you're lucky, this is when your very good girlfriends intervene and get your sorry ass out of the house.

So again I say "BRAVO" Sex and the City for delivering an open and honest dialogue about sex, love, and everything in between. Thank the Goddess for DVD . . .

Cupcake or Biscuit?

2004-09-27T19:06:00.000-07:00

I am a proud spinster, happy I've not yet been married but open enough to consider that it might happen someday should I meet someone I don't want to bludgeon after a few dates. I thoroughly enjoy admiring younger men, especially in a place where so many of them jog or bike shirtless :)

While conversing with one of my favorite younger men today, I called a 19 year old former colleague of his a "cupcake." I told him he had passed out of the cupcake stage when he hit 25, he thanked me. Now, sexual harassment issues aside (which didn't even occur to me until after I had said it, D-oh!), what would I call a guy over 25 but younger than me? I decided on "biscuit."

Here's my reasoning.

A cupcake is sweet and fulfilling all on it's own. It has frosting and you can normally eat a few of them before you're really tired of them and need to have something with a little more nutritional value. It's just a meal all by itself and you can appreciate the sweetness of it but you know you can't eat too many or you'll feel sick.

A biscuit can come in any number of fine flavors and you can put butter and/or jam on it or not, it's your choice (personally, I like mine with a little butter and strawberry jam, yummy!). Biscuits can be good for you and they definitely have more nutritional value than a cupcake. You can decide to add the jam or not so there's an opportunity to add sugar if you want/need it but it's not necessarily required.

So what's my point? Well, it's this - cupcake or biscuit, it's all about the sugar.

Jr. High Kissing

2004-09-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were in Junior High and getting your first "taste" of french kissing? It was different and scary and exciting and (depending on who you were doing it with) sort of gross. Well, most of us outgrow the gross portion of the equation and learn to enjoy it, enjoy it a lot actually.

Recently I've been dating this guy who doesn't do the french kissing thing and it's the weirdest thing I've encountered in a long time - the man is 34 for God's sake! At first I thought it was just inexperience or shyness but, after the 3rd evening of very dry, very boring kisses, I finally asked about it. "I was never really into that," he says. Which was shortly followed by, "I'm not really into oral sex either."

*BOING* - hold the fucking phone!

"Are you kidding?" "On either side?" I ask. "Oh, well if someone wants to do it, I do like it but because I don't do it, I don't ask for it for myself." HOLY SHIT! Well, I at least give him credit for not being a complete selfish pig, I appreciate that about him.

A little background here, we had just come from Sushi (it was an excellent dinner I might add) where he had eaten octopus. OCTOPUS! And said when he ordered it, "I like to be adventurous." Adventurous? You will eat fucking octopus but you won't stick your tongue in my mouth? I won't eat octopus and I'll put my tongue almost anywhere (almost).

**Now while my last statement may appear to support his decision NOT to put his tongue in my mouth, I want to remind you that you just as nasty as I am, probably worse, so don't even go there.

I don't know about you but those two things together are deal-breakers for me. I could maybe survive without one or the other but both? Forget it, adios, take a walk, it's done. Actually, just the kissing thing might be enough of a deal-breaker and the "no downtown action" adds insult to injury. I'm beginning to understand why this guy is single.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no prize but come on! I know everyone is different and some are more slobbery than others (which, by the way, I do not endorse - saliva management is very important) but how do you not enjoy that? I find kissing to be more intimate than other forms of sex - you're face-to-face breathing life into each other, tasting each other, sharing your souls, it's spectacularly erotic and, if it's good, THE biggest turn-on.

So, my only option is to dump him because while I do kind of like him, I wasn't interested in picking out curtains or anything, it was just a bit of fun. And not very much fun as it turns out. I did give him 3 strikes but after the 3rd shot and still no "satisfaction" and apparently no interest on his part to "finish the job" I've reached the limit. It was entertaining for a while but as my very, very good friend Ace pointed out, "Sex for sex sake is kind of sad, isn't it." Yes, my dear, it certainly is. Adios hombre . . .

Already Screwed Up

2004-09-26T20:28:00.000-07:00

It's my first post and I've already screwed up, this does not bode well for my blogging future. I clicked on the wrong button and apparently chose a background template. Ah well, supposedly I can easily change it.

I guess now I'll find out if I really have anything to say . . . well, anything interesting that is. What a lovely self-indulgent exercise it is to click a few buttons and have your words sent out into cyberspace for anyone to review and comment on. It's really rather fun, like therapy without the pricetag.

I am such a pathetic geek, I watched LOTR:ROTK again today for the, I don't know, 10th time. I can't help it, I was housesitting for a friend with an absolutely ridiculous home theatre setup (96" screen with Sony projector and full surround setup) and I just have to take that opportunity when I have it.

It's really sad when the reason you want a bigger home is so that you can have a better home theatre setup. I have a 50" TV, which I really love, but a 96" screen just puts it to shame. Poor pitiful me, huh, having to "make due" with my 50" TV - that's called geek tech envy boys and girls. Though if I was a true geek, I would have my own server for this blog rather than squatting @ BlogSpot.

Happy Sunday Night y'all.